Giro Culture

If we are going to discuss the ned, it is important that we describe how a ned supports him/her self and his/her family and how they are able to afford those berghaus jaikets. A lot of neds do have jobs (working neds), which they use to buy their rather expensive clothes and add unnecessary parts to their cars, and if that's what they wish to do with their money it's their own choice and isn't doing anyone any harm. Except perhaps the people they keep awake by revving their engines all night and the police they harass for trying to keep them under control.

There are also a rather large number of neds living on benefits and before anyone has a go at me for slagging off the benefits system, I am not having a go at the people who are on benefits for a good reason and deserve to have those benefits to support themselves and their family, rather, I am having a go at the clued up neds who exploit the system for their own gain, using up a lot of the tax payers money and keeping benefits from the people who really need them.

The next time you find yourself in need of an 'extreme sports' style challenge why not visit your local DSS caller office for a once in a lifetime and never to be forgotten experience. Firstly, as you enter, you would think you had visited your local brewery due to the strong smell of alcohol in the air. However, you are in the 'Bank of Free Money' where everybody who doesn't deserve to get paid does. You'll be wondering why there are so many people waiting about so early in the morning. Well, these people are called 'Personal Issue' mainly because it has become too great a risk to issue benefit order books or postal giro cheques to them because they cash them then pretend they lost their payments and try to get another.

When it's time to pay out, a swarm of tracksuit wearing locusts descend to claim their dosh; a line of pretend single parents; people incapable of working due to illness or disability but amazingly able to commit crime - the line is endless. Maybe you are wondering, as you look on, how these people can afford designer clothing or have more gold jewellery that Mr.T.. The answer is simple - the tax payer is financing it.

Now it's time to explain how things work (in favour of the neds):

1. Most of the Social Security system works on people's honesty. Mistake number one. The biggest fraud is alleged single parents who qualify for Income Support. They can have as many kids as they please because they will always get an increase in their entitlements. They also don't pay any rent, so along comes Daddy earning good money pretending he doesn't live there and next they're off to Florida or buying a new car or moving into a good council house because they tell lies. There are very few checks that the DSS can do, and they don't have the ability to monitor these people on a regular basis, therefore this is 'crime without punishment' as nobody ever seems to get prosecuted. Income support is a means tested benefit which is mainly paid to people who have no money/savings/income to live on and is awarded at various rates depending on age, children, disability etc. You do not have to have ever paid anything into the social security system to get this money and if you do get income support, it opens the door to free rent, dental treatment, prescriptions, school meals and so on. In theory you could dodge work all your life as you will get this money until you die as long as you satisfy the conditions. For example, a young girl who has just had a baby and is on her own will get paid for a minimum of sixteen years. She could then have another child at this time and be guaranteed another sixteen years money. There have been cases like this where children are used as a commodity for scrounging money.

2. A favourite for all work shy people is the generous 'incapacity/disability benefits'. Lets explain how this works. Firstly , you get a sick note from your doctor and claim incapacity and income support benefits. Once you are on these put a claim in for Disability Living Allowance which is assessed solely on your medical condition. If you really know how to play the system you can end up with, say, a mobility car (Ford Focus or Renault Clio and even more money). Basically, a wad of tax free income which will be more than most normal people could hope to earn. An alarming number of drug dealers and violent thugs get these benefits simply because they have a mental illness usually related to a lifestyle choice. This type of benefit is very popular with people between 18-35 as you don't have to make any effort to look for a job.

3. Want an interest free loan??? Well, a 'crisis loan' or a 'budgeting loan' are right up your street. Let me explain. These loans are designed to help people on benefits purchase goods etc., instead of going to legal/illegal loan sharks, and are repaid from your benefits over time. However, as usual there is a scam. Firstly, if you get income support or the jobseekers allowance equivalent for 26 weeks, you can apply for up to £1,000 and you don't have to state what you want the money for (yes, I kid you not), therefore many career criminals get loans and start drug dealing or money lending. Others get the money to go abroad with the partner they pretend they don't have (see no.1). Secondly, 'crisis loans' are mainly considered for emergency situations. This is probably one of the biggest reasons for attending a DSS office. It is the same hardcore group of wasters that are in all the time with stories of 'lost money' or 'the Houdini child who switches of the fridge ruining all the food' etc.. This is where staff get serious abuse or threats of violence if they decide not to make a payment.

4. Worried about getting caught for fraud? Relax, as there's no chance if you possess half a brain. Although the government talks tough, the wasters nearly always get off with it. The biggest fraud is people living together as a couple and either claiming separately, or one works and the other pretends to be single (usually with 6 kids). There is hardly any chance of the DSS stopping this as it so hard to prove and if you are caught, you simply return a couple of weeks later and say you have spilt up. The onus is on the DSS to prove otherwise. Been caught working as a lone parent, or claiming to be incapable of work? No problem. Simply pack your job in and reclaim benefits as no penalty exists for leaving a job in these circumstances and you will get paid straight away (you only get hit with a period of not getting money if you are on jobseekers allowance). Cashed a giro or an order book and then pretended you have lost it and need a replacement? The drinks are on you. Why? Well, after a number of weeks staff will attempt to trace the payment you claimed was lost/stolen. If it turns up with your signature, simply deny it's yours as the onus again is on the DSS to prove otherwise.

Before anyone goes 'mental' and decides to hit me with a complaint about this section, it is mainly there to let people know exactly what is happening with the benefits system. Sure, there are a lot of people on benefits who need and deserve them and no one should have any problem with that but there is a minority of people who are exploiting and ruining it for everyone else. If anyone has a problem with me letting people know what goes on then I'll gladly hear your point of view. I can't imagine what you're going to say though. Should be interesting!