22/10/2007 - Let's all laugh at some neds who think they can fight! Looks like some guys were enjoying the Scotland game, when the neds decided they needed a good punch up. Only thing is, a punchup involves sticking around to fight, rather than repeatedly running to the safety of your mates.
16/10/2007 - Halloween will soon be upon us, so let's look forward to it with a ned gallery Halloween special! Kids, when you go out trick-or-treating, be very wary of those neds who will be out in force mugging you all, and aiming fireworks at you! Oh the joys!
11/10/2007 - Two wanabe neds added. I think i'll dress up as a ned for halloween, and join the real neds in mugging Glasgow's trick-or-treaters. Anyone else want to join me?
06/10/2007 - Six ned tunes added. Make sure you play them as loud as you can. The people around you will approve, honest.
28/09/2007 - Gallery of neds updated. Some of you are stupid enough to want your photos to appear on this site. If you are, then send us them. The neddier, the better.
26/09/2007 - Two new wanabe neds added.
26/09/2007 - Filming live from the streets of Glasgow is a great idea right? Nothing could possibly go wrong could it? This guy discovers the hard way that when filming in Glasgow, it's best to keep it in the studio.
18/09/2007 - More of those wonderful ned tunes added. I've been wondering, does every ned troop have its own Dj? We know all ned gangs have their Wee cheeky neds, and their goon neds etc. But a Dj ned? Who perhaps runs around with the gang wearing huge earphones and carrying portable decks? Just wondering...
17/09/2007 - New visitor experiences and a ned writing added. E-mail us any experiences you have had!
10/09/2007 - More ned tunes added, and still lots more to come. I tell you, it's great fun listening to them all one by one, it really is...
09/09/2007 - The ned tunes section is back with a few songs to start us off, much more to follow soon. Are you a ned Dj who wants to show off his/her musical talent? Then e-mail us your tunes and let us hear.
03/09/2007 - Two new visitor experiences added. Had any experiences with neds that simply must be told? E-mail them to glasgowsurvival@yahoo.co.uk and share them with us!
27/08/2007 - Gallery of neds updated, it's a gay ned couple special!
(Its intention is to mock neds, so no "That's homophobic" crap please.)
24/08/2007 - Why should you never sit on the top deck of a Glasgow bus? Perhaps this is a good enough reason. This is the recorded racist rantings of a senga ned on the top deck of a bus. I've attempted to provide a video translation, but she speaks very fast and fluent "ned", so it wasn't easy. Well done to the poor person who recorded this, can't have been easy listening to it live. Recording added to belters sounds.
21/08/2007 - 3 new visitor experiences added. Be sure to e-mail us your ned encounters!
20/08/2007 - Gallery of neds updated. About time too. Enjoy!
19/08/2007 - Okay, I know it's been a while, but expect some updates very soon. Just a quick point, is anyone else cursing the technology that is modern mobile phones being able to play loud music? Now every ned on every bus has their own portable sound system to annoy us with, blasting us with high-pitched chipmonk music. Great.
01/12/2006 - very good read...
25/11/2005 - I've updated the ned site reviews. One crap site added!
08/10/2006 - Another page has been added to the gallery of neds!
01/10/06 - Check out the belter sounds section for a new link.
30/09/2006 - A new page has been added to the gallery of neds!
23/09/06 - Check out the belter videos section for a new link.
03/09/05 - Check out the new song I've added. Really well done...
03/09/2006 - Again...2 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section.
.
07/08/2006 - 2 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' box a shite.
.
05/08/2006 - A new 'wanabe ned' has been added.
23/07/2006 - I've added a blog to the site, so we'll see how that goes! Check it out and leave comments if you want but dont even try to "shout oot tae aw yer pals in ra SYB".
22/07/2006 - A new section has been added to the site. The 'wanabe neds' section is designed to show you some peoples efforts at dressing up as neds and show you where they went wrong. If you have any photos of yourselfs dressed up as neds email them to me! Enjoy.
.
09/07/2006 - 3 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' pile a pish.
.
24/06/2006 - 4 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
.
17/06/05 - Check out the group Empafy. Decent and quite funny even if its not meant to be. But check it out...
20/05/05 - Check out the steak pie song. Ridiculous...
20/05/2006 - A new song has been added to the 'ned music' section...
...and 2 new contributions have been added here.
13/05/2006 - 2 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section...
.
13/05/05 - The belter videos section has two new ned videos for your viewing pleasure.
30/04/2006 - 3 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
.
16/04/05 - Check out the new weegie coldplay song. Weird...
15/04/2006 - A new page has been added to the gallery of neds.
08/04/2006 - 4 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
. There's still a bit of a waiting list so be patient!
23/03/05 - Git tae the belter videos section for a funny new video of a ned jumping into the background of a news report.
18/03/05 - Check out the belter sounds section for a cool new mp3 with a selection of neddy prank calls from glasgow universitys subcity radio.
14/03/05 - Feel like slapping a ned? Well visit this page
09/03/05 - Another pasta video has been added! Called "Diddy Washer".
04/03/2006 - check out the two new belter sounds here...
04/03/2006 - 6 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
. Keep them coming!
23/02/05 - As I watched the footy last night I was stunned to come across a young shellsuited fellow in the same pub.
This little tyke had clearly taken a wrong turn at Drumchapel and found himself in Byers Rd.
But far from being embarrased at his sitcom-style fish out of water scenario, he was in fact bold as brass, indeed the loudest member in the establishment.
Despite an outward appearance that suggested he would be more at home in a youth club than a pub, he confidentally ordered a jack and coke, and in an attempt to win plaudits from his new found West End friends, decided to 'get battered in' to the barmaid.
Obviously not schooled in the finer arts of seduction, he grasped at the first thing he could find that they shared in common, which was the fact that they were both in a pub showing the football. "So, do you play for a fitba team?", he enquired of the perplexed lass.
Moral of the story.
Neds. Funny as fuck
11/02/05 - If you want to have an interesting read about neds and how their simple little minds work check this.
04/02/05 - Another pasta video has been added! Called "Burds".
04/02/2006 - 3 more songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
. There's actually a bit of a waiting list developing now so if I told you your song will be on the site, it will be there eventually! Be patient...
28/01/2006 - We finally got our first "heavy choon" that mentions glasgowsurvival.co.uk. Its still shite but at least someone made the effort! Can you top this? Get tae ra 'ned music' section!
28/01/06 - Some more belting pictures and a couple of sounds have been added!
21/01/2006 - Another 3 songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
Still looking for some mp3s that mention glasgow survival! Whits g'n oan trrroops?
03/01/2006 - 3 new songs have been added to the 'ned music' section!
What I want from you ned Djs now is a few songs that actually mention glasgowsurvival.co.uk. If so, they'll get priority!
01/01/06 - Some more belting pictures have been added!
25/12/05 - A christmas themed pasta video has been added for you! Merry Christmas!
22/12/05 - Merry Christmas from Glasgow Survival! Here's a neddy christmas song for you to listen to. Stop The Chavalry is a good listen and was taken from here. Although I HATE the word 'chav' I suppose 'stop the nedelry' doesn't really work in the same way so I'll let it go this time!
16/12/05 - Some deleted scenes have been addded to nedumentary.co.ukcheck them out!
10/12/05 - Two more pasta videos have been added!
10/12/05 - The Mystery of the Bovril Insult explained!
Blimey, I haven't heard that in years!!
It dates back to at least the 70s - "bovril" was a very PinC term for a mentally handicapped person.
Back then, of course, a "ned" were just a ne'er-do-well; not the second-rate football casuals that they've become.
Keep up the good work.
Tommy
So neds, lets revive this insult, start calling all your friends "bovrils".
10/12/2005 - A new ::visitor Experience:: has been added to the experiences section.
09/12/2005 - Check out these ::nuggets:: starting to fight...great!
19/11/2005 - A New song has been added to the 'ned music' section ya nugget.
Also, a really good ::visitor Experience:: has been added to the experiences section.
18/11/2005 - Ya Mad Bovril
A friend of mine recently had the pleasure of witnessing 2 neds fighting on a bus in Glasgow. It nearly didn't happen as one of them was with his girlfriend and didn't want to fight in front of her, even when the other ned insulted his mother. However he eventually called him a "Bovril" which caused the previously reluctant ned to fight for all he was worth. I was under the impression that Bovril was nothing more than a hot beef extract drink but it is obviously an incredible insult in the ned world. Being the foremost experts in Glasgow ned culture I hope you can reveal the meaning of this rather unlikely insult.
anyone have any idea where this comes from?
11/11/2005 - A New song from the famous 'DJ Pink' has been added to the 'ned music' section "troops"!
05/11/2005 - A whole new section has been added! 'ned music' is an area of the site where the ned dj's can showcase their best 'booncy tunes' and you can comment on them. Qaulity man.
05/11/2005 - A couple of new experiences have been added to the ::visitor contributions:: and a new ::ned site review:: has been added.
30/10/2005 - More belters have been added. Two really good sound files and a few pictures. Check them!
27/10/2005 - Download ::this:: top class piece of banter. Basically a guy is playing the clarinet on a glasgow bus and a proper weegie gets annoyed...you might need to update your quicktime to view this though.
07/10/2005 - Two more pasta videos have been added...I promise that I'll put something other than pasta videos on the site soon but at least they're good!
1/10/2005 - awrite ya goth so wits happenin in your suicidel life then?? onestly yu must b deprived?:))gone aboot yer whole life slaggin neds noo thats just pathetic go watch football or summit steady being a pure geek or even go ae the gym or get a job?:))or even get a burd ?:))still sacrificin ppl like yer hero
marlyn manson?happenin in eh world ae satan:))well im off ya tool;)catch ye
Learn to spell you soap dodging rodent. Why do they always feel the need to say, "right well im off" when they're writing emails? We all know they're just going back to some ringtones website.
30/09/2005 - check this new belter!
28/09/2005 - Two new pasta videos have been added!
28/09/2005 - Keep sending me some happy hardcore! YOU KNOW THE SCORE...
12/09/2005 - A new pasta video has been added, it's called bawbag, go see it!
10/09/2005 - A new pasta video has been added. Go see it!
10/09/2005 - Still need more of your happy harcore DJs! Do you want to get famous or not?
02/09/2005 - Check out the new pasta videos in the belters section, they're total quality!
02/09/2005 - Still looking for some more of your homemade happy hardcore, keep them coming DJs!
29/08/2005 - Ok, so there has been a spate of these 'DJs' sending me their music and it's total ned stuff. And I mean TOTAL ned stuff. But I find it really funny to listen to so now I've decided to start add a new section to the site for all the crap ned music I get sent. It's a good idea because all the neds to the site can listen to it and enjoy it and all the normal visitors can listen to it and laugh so every one is happy. If you're a 'DJ' who makes crap ned music or you're a DJ who can make crap ned music for a laugh please email me some of your work. You'll get exposure and we'll have a good laugh! For an example of the kind of stuff I'm looking for please listen to this.
29/08/2005 - A belter of an mp3 has been added whoich mixes your 'common all nova' mixed with the infamous big oggy.check it out!
20/08/2005 - New belters have been added!hop along now!
17/08/2005 - visit regularsonly.co.uk. It's pure quality! Well actually it isn't yet but stay tuned...
12/08/2005 - magine no includin eh springburn boiz in yer site man tut tut ere a pic ae reilly(me) codwell wee baz c an twiggy(from left 2 rite btw)
stik it up in eh ned gallerie an get eh springburn boiz mentioned ;) YOUNG SPRINGBURN PEG !i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i! jus incase ye didny no lol
Ok, I'm including you.
09/08/2005 - Some new belters have been added to the...belters section.
06/08/2005 - A new visitor experience has been added. ::moan then::
05/08/2005 - A new page has been added to the ::gallery of asbos::
31/07/2005 - A new visitor experience has been added. ::check it!::
30/07/2005 - I was reading the visitors contribution section of the site the other day and came across something interesting when reading about the guy waiting outside virgin to see slipknot. Anyways the ned that was nice to them's name was John Paul Tierney and I recognised it straight away. I remembered the name from Championship Manager and in that game John Paul Tierney is a youth player for Celtic. How accurate there names are in the game I don't know but say they use real information given to them by the football club then this ned could be a future football star.
And he was made famous first on glasgow survival!
29/07/2005 - I've added the ::cinema ned:: to the people section.
29/07/2005 - Thought ::this:: should be made more available again since it just became so relevant...don't worry, I'll do the same when Rangers get pumped too...
23/07/2005 - I've updated the ned site reviews. Two crap sites added!
22/07/2005 - The Homeless world cup in Edinburgh - something tells me that Scotland will be good at this. We have the best homeless people in the world. Will they all spend half time asking for 20p for a cup of tea?
20/07/2005 - jst fuk off ! lyk da pic sez uve ti dae ! nd dini bova puttin da xxx in dis !
xXxXxXx ~megan c~ xXxXxXx
Megan attached a picture of a ned (presumably herself) sticking her finger up at the camera...gallery of neds maybe...
19/07/2005 - dini caw me fukin stupit ! ure da fukin stupit 1 cani even spell it fuk sake ! jst git ti fuk ya wee ponce !
xXx megan c xXx
Why do you put spaces before exclamation marks? (an explanation mark is this pure wee mad hing man '!')
18/07/2005 - aye am a ned nd aye a dae hink yer sitez a bit sad nd aye a dae hink itz afensiv so gone away n tek yer face fir a shite ! yer fukin sad makin it nd a cani b dain wi yi !
xXx megan c xXx
I bet megan c (c for ctupit) already has an english standard grade.
16/07/05 - A new page has been added to the ::gallery of learning difficulties::.
14/07/05 - Even more new pictures have been added to the ::belters:: section of the site.
14/07/05 - A new experience has been added to the ::visitors:: section.
12/06/05 - New pictures have been added to the ::belters:: section of the site, as have two sound files, one of them a great parody of the Bohemian Rhapsody.
12/05/05 - You have 30 seconds to deliver as many crap insults as you can. Your time starts now:
YUR SITE IS A LOAD A PISH, YER A WEE POOF N YE SHAG YER DADDY. AM GONNY STAB YUR MAW N
STEAL YER GRANNYS TEETH SO SHE CANNY GEE YE BLOWS. FUCK ALL EH GOTHS WHY DONT THEY JUST DIE. MON
EH VODKA N BUCKY. QPT ALL THE FUCKIN WAY YA BASS. AWAY N TAKE YUR FACE FUR A SHITE. YUR MAW PULLS
HER PISH FLAPS OVER HUR NUT N DRESSES AS A SUGERPUFF.
12/05/05 - I would just like to point out the 'mess' that I have left at http://chinatoon1.tripod.com, a ned site
listed on your own website which contained links to extreme right ming groups. I would like to
thank you as the inspiration for my deeds and I hope that I inspire other folks who are less than
fond of neds to perform similar activities. So many ned sites to ruin, yet so little time!
-Homestar
It's the neds you're supposed to make a mess of, not their websites.
25/04/05 - Emailing me and calling me a "pure goffic geek" doesn't hurt my feelings. Telling me you're going to stab me when your email address contains your full name is great.
06/04/05 - An email in the life of a glasgowsurvival email reader
Frankie W: awrite mate, any chance u could put a link of my site on yours plz mate??
WWW.DEEJAY****.TK
GS: Nah, it's crap. I should get to choose whether or not I listen to crap music.
Frankie W: fuk u ya fagot bassa. your sites shite
05/04/05 - For approximately 16.5 yrs now people have been asking for the 'whatever' song to be posted in mp3 format and I couldn't really be fu***d. Now after 16.5 yrs I can be fu***d so I converted it to a crap quality mp3.....::aye, whatever::. Enjoy.
24/03/05 - I've been hearing rumours that neds and 'chavs' have been arranging to meet each other and fight. Personally, I can't think of a better way to lower the ned population! Anyone else hear of this? If so can you let me know more? email me!
20/03/05 - New ::visitor experiences:: have been added, and the ::belters:: section has been updated. Check "pictures" at the top and "other crap" at the bottom.
20/03/05 - Hi, Great site. I myself have a theory that Neds are
evolved from ducks. The waterproof clothing, the bill
of the duck moving up to become a cap and the fact
that neds say "Wit".
Amusing observation, Don. Do neds like eating bread? I urge people to throw bits of bread at neds to find out.
20/03/05 - AM A NED AND THIS SYT IS AFENSIV TA ME. YE PEEPL AR ACHUL GAY. AND A WANT TA PURE BRIK TA THRO A WINDA AND THE NAM OF THE WEE GINGER IS THOMAS. SEND MA BRIK NOO YE MONGO. SEND BRIK AT: 76 PAN WINDAS IN LANE ON NED ISLAND NEER THE NEW SUPRMARCET.
THIS IS FAE KEECHER
P S----- YE BUNCH A BO BAGS
.
P S S ---- U BUM THE PYUR MAD MENTL CRAZZY FROG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P S S S ------U RAPE PENKIL CASEZ
P S S S S -------------- UR MAW
P S S S S S ------------- DO U LIK SPONG BOB
P S S S S S S-------------- U HAV CHAGED MA LIFE. I AM A GAY AND PROD OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P S S S S S S S------------ YE AR A FANNY YE DICK SHIT MO FOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P S S S S S S S S--------- I FANCY MICHAEL JACKSON AND HE LOVES ME TA AND HE GAV MA SOM JESUS JOOSE.
Did any of you just read that? It's more than I did.
04/03/05 - A couple of new ::links:: have been added recently. One of them is for that chavspotting site which was featured on that SHIT chav program with that cow presenting. Can't remember her name, but she was SHIT. Will she still be defending neds the next time one of them steals, wrecks, dumps, burns, then pisses on her car?
27/02/05 - The ::glasgow survival shop:: has been updated at last. It's all still in dollars but since some may describe the dollar as 'a bit mince' at the moment, the stuff isn't too expensive. It's still rubbish but it's not expensive anymore...
22/02/05 - Did anyone see that program on 'chavs' on sky one last night? What a stupid fat bitch that woman is. The home of the 'chav' is not Chatham, it's Glasgow and they're called NEDS.
12/02/05 - I've added some new pictures to the gallery of neds. They are ::here::. The rest will follow when I manage to remove a few dead neds from my roof. Don't ask.
The reason that neds get wrapped up so much to go out into the streets isn't to keep warm, it's to keep the smell of the B.O in.
I added a little shout box to the ::hamepage::...lets see how long it takes to fill up with 'shout oots' for the YBF or JJB, YTS, RAC...
Who was the first ned to say that a Mera Peak jacket was cool? They're not the most obviously cool things to look at or anything and the only people who would have worn them before would have been some hill walker type people. There must be one particular ned with a lot of influence who once said "haw man, these jaikets ur pure gallus" and caused a snowball effect down the chain of neds who all went and bought the exact same one, destroying the company who makes them in the process. Neds have power. Well one particular ned does. Who is he?
This picture contains a ninja, an alien, the guy with the banjo from deliverance, ET, an albino, mother teresa and a lesbian but which one is which?
Those neds on the bus with they big brown boots with the furry bit at the top on, where do they buy them? One time I seen a really small ned with those boots on and the boots were nearly the same size as him. But the fag in his mouth made him look older. And the newspaper under his arm helped too. He never read it.
One of the main problems with Glasgow is that the ghettos are far too near to the city centre and the bus links are too good so the neds can get into town far too easily. I don't think it's unreasonable to get rid of ALL the bus links to ned areas and to demolish the underground stations from Kelvinhall round to bridge street. That way the neds would need to walk to town and would be too tired to abuse shoppers by the time they got there. Instead they would just go to sports division, buy their new trackys, eat something from McDonalds even if they're not hungry and walk home again with a McFlurry.
A new "home page" has been added ::here:: so feel free to set this as your browser home page! It's a pure heavy wallaper...as they say.
click here to make glasgowsurvival.co.uk YOUR home page the noo.
If you're using internet explorer...
23/01/05 - I've updated the visitor experiences and writing ::sections::, with the latter containing two articles vaguely on the subject of "ned hunting". I wouldn't endorse the actions described though. Just fucking do it. Also, the ::belters:: section has had stuff added too. Check the top of each category bar the sounds. And the pics...I'll get 'em added as soon as.
23/01/05 - Someone clocked a picture of a Nedbank (or took it themselves) and got at it with photoshop to create a ::picture:: before I had the chance. I'd have done pretty much the same thing. Good job.
23/01/05 - One positive thing about neds though is they can watch a Marilyn Manson video without feeling
the need to gun down all their classmates or kill their burd.
Rather topical at the moment. I thought it was funny though. Who you calling a sick fuck? The guy above? Fair enough.
11/01/05 - Holiday over. The ::visitor experiences:: bit has been updated, as has the ::belters:: section; check out the new chav song in the sounds bit, and also the pictures section, to see some very bad pics. Let's finish with a ::rhyme:: by an ex-ned. Why is it always ex-neds who do rhymes? More pics to come.
11/01/05 - in Edinburgh the neds seem to have taken a liking to using the rubber batons from the inside of traffic cones as cosh' . has this been happening in Glasgow??
In Glasgow, the neds tend to just use the cones themselves to bludgeon with and shout "dooot-dooo-doooo!" through.
11/01/05 - When I saw ::this sign::, I wondered why anyone would refer to their company as "ned train". Surely that would put off passengers? Well, it turns out getting normal passengers was never really the point. I went undercover as a trainspotter for a week, and I discovered a well-kept secret of the ned world. Every saturday, at exactly 11:09 and 12 seconds, Glasgow is flooded with neds when ::this train:: arrives at Cental station for exactly 32 seconds. The chances are no-one's seen it as it's incredibly fast and zips in and out in no time. You'll only know it came because of the several hundred neds that have appeared from nowhere. It's a mystery what its stops are.
One thing I hate about christmas in Glasgow city centre is the large swarms of neds getting dvds and cds for their 6 brothers. They only buy dvds and cds. Oh and calendars. Usually I could cope with this but it seems that this year they're also buying those really annoying chirpy bird sounding things you put in your mouth so now all you can see all over the town is some neds not only looking ridiculously stupid in their brightly coloured shop lifting uniforms but they're also squeaking. Can you imagine anything more irritating than a squeaking ned? They even think we don't know it's them doing it...really annoying. Another annoying thing is those massive fat neds with the high pitched voices blocking up a whole lane in the virgin megastore and shouting "Doady, this wanz pure funny man" whilst holding up a copy of American Pie. Why can't they just walk over to Doady and tell him? Why do they need to shout with their horrible high pitched voices?
24/12/04 - I've added some of the pics I have to form a ::new page:: in the ned gallery. I'll get the rest up as and when. Oh, and merry christmas.
21/12/04 - Remember the Rangers song? Here's another one by the same guys, the ::Celtic:: song! Pure quality once again! You can get the rangers one in the ::belters:: sound section. I'll add all the pictures you folks have been e-mailing to me in the next few days. Haven't done that in a while, see.
09/12/04 - in the weapons section you should have the 'mars
bar' razor... its about four razor blades stuck in something in
paralell... its lovely... because it leaves 4 paralell scars that look
like the chocolate on top of a mars bar and it is impossible to get
stitches done on it down the A+E dept of the hospital.... dirty
bastards....!
I'm not going to lie, when you first said "mars bar razor", I thought you meant one of
::these::. That's a real mars bar razor. All you have to do is stick in
the razor blades, freeze it, then get chibbin'.
07/12/04 - I have no idea where this ::song:: originated from, but it is very funny and presents a great caricature of the Rangers fan. It's called Dedicated Follower of Rangers and I'm sure eh sellik fans'll luv it.
07/12/04 - I have been reading through the documented species of neds and would like to contribute to the dwarf ned
section. I have been personally insulted by a truely rare species: The Dwarf Senga Ned. Tis true! She is usually
accompanied by two normal sized sengas but that does not stop her bad-tempered look and well lobbed insults at a hapless
Gothic passer-by (Only a ned could properly pronounce "Goth" as "Goff")
Dwarf neds are old hat now, goff. I want to see OAP neds who smack empty cans with their walking sticks and whistle through their teeth
and drum their fingers on the counter as they wait to collect their pension. I wonder if they exist...
06/12/04 - Just to let you know that not all juvenile neds eventually "graduate" to the dressed
ned, and indeed escape the system all together. Further to the remarks regarding psuedo-neds, I went to a nice school in
the west end of Glasgow (non-fee paying) that, much to the local comp schools perturbance, did have its own share of
neds. Most of these neds came from middle-class families; detached houses on leafy boulevards; 4wd and BMW parked in the
drive, dinner parties on the weekend...yet something drove them to worship at the house of Kappa, tool up and getting
"fuckin mad we it". Its been five years since I left sixth year there, and, amusingly, the little neds who used to "bam"
me up are now - or at least the vast majority - either captains and prefects, pillars of the community, fundraisers etc
etc. Has anyone else witnesed this phenomenon? We even had one particularly nasty ned come up and apologise for the
"complete wee prick" he had been! So, while accepting these cases are the minority, and perhaps stem from an initial
psuedo-ned status rather than true ned, it goes to show that people - even neds - can change. Shame more dont follow
suit.
You said it, they weren't really neds in the first place. If these rebellious teeny-boppers had
some real neds gate-crashing their mansion parties, they'd be spitting up their dad's Chateau Margaux in horror.
Sure, they simulate various ned behaviour, but simulation is all it is. They then realise the error of their ways (a
realisation the environment denies for the real ned) and revert to the good children that they're supposed to be.
03/12/04 - I was browsing the gallery of neds and I noticed that
I too could be an "effective NED". If I attended, would I be taught the dialect of
the NED's? Would I be taught how to 'smoke the hash n drink eh bucky'? Would I be taught how
to sit up the back of a bus, give the finger to people and shout abuse at the grannys boarding,
and when alighting insult the bus driver? Would this class make me an effective NED?
I'd often wondered myself what the "NED seminar" actually was, so I sent someone undecover to find out. It turns out
that these seminars are not for the benefit of converting someone to a ned, but rather for helping
existing neds become more effective at what they do. And the guy that teaches them is actually a "university
professor ned", seen at the front of this ::undercover picture
preparing his seminar. He teaches things from increasing the density of your spit so it goes further and makes a satisfying
pulse noise to mastering the imaginary neck-brace walk that denys the ned the ability to crane his neck.
01/12/04 - The forum's back in its third incarnation, as the previous one never recovered from its coma and slipped away peacefully last night.
23/11/04 - In Belfast our Ned's invariably have moustaches. dont ask me why but check this for a discovery!!!
Ever wonder how a 13 year old spide has a black moustache without another single black hair on their face? My wee
brother has to go to school with loads of them and his explanation was that they use mascara!!!!
I'd heard that spides always have moustaches, but the above observation was asking too much of me to believe. That is until
I stumbled across ::this pic:: while clearing out the "Iraqi Ned" section that never
really got off the ground. If you look closely you'll notice it's actually spides who'd gotten a hold of their maw's mascara.
23/11/04 - get a life boyo , why are you so interested in neds - have you got anything else better to do with your time ? lol your actually sad-er than any ned ive ever met lol good one chuck !
No no no, you're doing it all wrong. Firstly the "get a life boyo" should be at the end, otherwise it's the first thing I read and I know what to expect thus lessening
the impact of future knock-downs. And you shouldn't admit that neds are actually sad, as you're agreeing with me, and in a way justifying this sites existance for the like-minded.
Also, I know it's hard to avoid nowadays, but you should remove the "lols" when typing this kind of e-mail as they convey a light-hearted tone. This is how I would have done it:
Why are you so interested in neds? Have you got nothing better to do with your time? You're actually sadder than anyone I've ever met. Good one. Get a life boyo.
Have you learned anything? In the mean time, visitor experiences have been added to the
::contributions:: section.
17/11/04 - I've had two sightings of "dwarf neds" since last week. I don't want to divulge as much details as I was given by the ned spotters as it may make these rare types identifiable. One was described as "about four foot tall" and "from the most geneticly degenerative family alive", and the other as "not the predator type [of ned], more like neds that dont quite know the full job description". I know you all want to see what one looks like, so here's an :: artist's impression:: of the dwarf ned.
17/11/04 - I was accosted by a few neds some years ago at Buchanan Street bus station. I was stunned by their
opening barrage. It went like this "haw wee-sacks, am gonna rap the fu*kin' nut in you ten times rapid fire" .... I
met this with stunned silence, grin breaking on my face ..., which completely threw the neds, who looked at each other
for reassurance. I then simply walked off, leaving them their to consider just what the fu*k happened, and how their
terrifying opening line had bombed so badly. And how did he know I had a wee sack?
You hear that folks? If a ned aggresively confronts you, you can shit your pants, grin about it, walk away, and
still come out on top. Thanks to wee-sacks for giving us that handy tip ;).
10/11/04 - Checks the top of the ::sounds:: section out for a song about buckfast. You heard right! It was written by Kieran Butler by request of a Beat 106 listener. Listen to the lyrics, they made me grin. Also, the ::visitor experiences:: page has been updated.
10/11/04 - How about this classic I heard in a cafe a few years back? I've heard of the "double negative" but this must be a triple negative! "....I know! Nobody don't tell me nowt, never!"
10/11/04 - I was having a browse
through you're "pure news" section when I spotted this.. ["All we need now is the Dwarf Ned,
the Wheelchair Ned and the University Professor Ned. Anyone spotted these? "] well needless to
say, I HAVE! Shock horror, we have the wheelchair ned! I've not long started a new job In
Glasgow Fort, which is near Easterhouse, which may explain a few things, anyway, upon finishing
an exhausting shift (yeh right) in my place of work, I ventured as usual on the 38A bus back to
the city centre for my bus home. While on this bus ride, I spotted the beast, the one and only
wheelchair ned, he sat there with his cap, white kappa trackie and his wheelie. (his hands were
black from rolling the wheels ,too stupid to wear gloves I imagine, or too wrecked on bucky
possibly?) Various young females (By young I mean 15, 16) ventured on and off the bus, while
doing so where questioned by the ned "haw yoo yi git a boyfriend, whit age is he, whit age ur
yoo, where ye cum frae" I guess that's the ned pulling technique? Questioning countless
strangers, hoping you're strikingly stunning spots and greased to fuck hair may attract
attention? Maybe I'll give it a go on one of my visits to the garage? I'll make sure to let you
know my results.
Damnit, I thought you were going to say you spotted the dwarf ned. We had a wheelchair ned a few
scrolls back. I must ask though, are you sure the "wheelchair ned" wasn't the bus driver?
04/11/04 -
My dad went to Strathclyde uni in the seventies. He recounts a conversation (monologue) he heard between two neds on a
bus:
"see me? see ma maw? see chips? hate them..."
It will forever be a mystery; did the ned and his maw both hate chips, or did the ned hate both his maw and chips?!
See neds? See the guy who sent that e-mail? See crap grammar? Belter.
I saw your website and I just had to tell you what I saw in the shopping centre this weekend- a Ned with his cap
SELLOTAPED at an extreme angle. Obviously proof that he is truly the most solid and hard of all his pals.
I was about to dismiss this e-mail as a barrel-load of bullshit until I spotted what appears to be a taped cap in
::this pic::. This may actually
explain why ned fringes never amount to more than a few spikes. It may also explain the ever-present scabs on neds'
foreheads. Look for the tell-tale marks, people.
02/11/04 - A few visitor experiences have been added to the ::contributions:: section. And check out the impressive George Bush Ned by bydand-designs at the top of the belters section. Very well done.
02/11/04 - Oh, hello, what's this? It looks like an e-mail. The subject heading reads "yir deed". Oh. That's
never good.
ha u yi fearty basturd whats yir fukin problem
why u wantin trouble wi us
yir a puffy wee goth i bet wi no nob n no burd
i got a sawn off basebaw bat n am gonnae shove it up yir erse until it
comes
oot yir eyes
u is only jeluss cuz we goat all the burds n bucky we want n all u goat
is
yir dads sack
am gonnae eat yir maw when i get hold of yi n then torch yi hoose
jus cuz we enjoyin life n yi act like yi alreddy deed
fukin bam
That could have gone better. I've heard neds say G.I.F.U.Y. (get it fuckin' up ye) to each other before.
I'll try it on this ned.
G.I.F.U.Y.
Oh, a reply...
what fuks that meen
Yi tryin tae get smart yi puffy wee prick
Oh well. It looks like another fake threat by a pretend ned.
28/10/04 - I had someone e-mail me informing me that if you type "ned" into google, a sponsored
ad appears at the right of the screen offering the sale of neds on eBay! However, I was disappointed to
find that these ads were only to dupe me into clicking the link. This was confimred when the guy pointed out
that practically any noun produces similar results. Try "Volcano" and "Dung".
Anyway, I figured that an auction for a ned wouldn't be a bad idea.
Here's a ::screen grab:: of what it could look like.
25/10/04 - Where I live, the equivalent of neds are just called "white
trash" now. When I was a teen, we called them "grits" after a type of
porridge commonly eaten by their families. When my father was young, they
were called "lint heads," a reference to the fact that, if they had a
job, they usually worked in a textile mill and were covered in lint.
This is on the east coast of the USA. In general, they go for all hip
hop culture.
These guys usually drink something called "noddie head" or "knotty
head," which refers to the knotty top of the cheap whiskey they can drink.
They also drink "bumpers," which are quart bottles of cheap beer or
malt liquor. Most of the time, they smoke "blunts," which is pot put into
cheap cigars.
The current uniform, which changes all the time, are white t-shirts ten
times too large, and baggy low-rise jeans, with Nike basketball shoes.
The word on the street is this uniform is a type of camouflage, as if
they are chased by "five 0" or the powleece, they can confuse the
officers by all dressing exactly alike.
They are really in to pit bull terriers, and conduct dog fights,
Sadly, guns are prevalent, and many are shot. Equally sadly, many of
these guys end up on heroin.
American neds. Thanks for that Chris. I think a TV program called "Ned Swap" should be made, where we swap an american
gang with a scottish squad.
25/10/04 - Both ::contributions:: sections been updated. The writing section contains an article with strong views that will have liberals coughing up their twigs. Interesting read.
11/10/04 - Thanks to the person whos sent in the ::Brick Shop:: mp3. We had it once, and lost it. Now it's back.