Firstly I should say there are a lot of good people in Glasgow. BUT, as there are a lot of people in Glasgow, there are also a LOT of bad people. The bad people in Glasgow seem to make themselves more visible and sometimes it seems like there are only bad people here but that is not really the case. The people you will come across most often are the "Neds". Neds themselves can be categorised into a number of different categories, all of which are described below.

The Common Ned: The common ned, as the name suggests, is the most common type of ned you will come across in Glasgow. This widespread ned will invariably be kitted out in brightly coloured track suits, which serves as a warning to decent folk to stay away, much like the brightly coloured stripes of a wasp. Another trait borrowed from the animal kingdom is the almost perpendicular cap angle, which can be equated to an animals instinctual response to a threat which may include ears pointing upwards, tail erect, or feathers cocked.

typical ned squad

To continue the animal analogy, these neds will travel in squads, and feel uncomfortable not doing so. Though, as they are so common, you will see many scattered all over the place, not unlike a plague or rats. Curiously, the Common Ned behaves as if he is amidst a plague of rats: trackies tucked into bright white socks stuffed into dazzlingly colourful trainers. Their squad culture gives them more confidence to harass members of the general public and if you see a troop of neds in the street or in a bus shelter or in a local park you may well become a target for their abuse and you may well hear such phrases uttered as 'you're a pure poofy wee prick' or 'look at the state ay you ya dobber' (a particularly ironic one). These phrases vary greatly and it is rare to hear the same line more than once from the same ned.

The Dressed Ned: It should be mentioned that it is rare to find a common ned over the age of 18. When a common ned gets old enough they will no longer wish to hang about in a bus shelter and they will usually graduate to become a 'Dressed Ned'. These neds can be seen in abundance on a Friday or Saturday night in Glasgow city centre. They will usually be wearing clothes which on average would have come to over 300 pounds, not including the tanning parlour fee. They will attend such lovely places as The Moon night club or perhaps Archaos or Destiny or the Savoy or Victorias or Walkabout (previously I would have mentioned Bonkers but the council got some sense on that front). If you wish to see some of these neds but don't wish to go to any of their places you may find it fruitful to hang around the streets at 3am on a weekend night and watch them fight and bottle each other until the sun comes up. I highly recommend the area at the intersection between Sauchihall street and Renfield street as this is truly scumbag central between 2am and 4am every Friday and Saturday night. It is like a little Bermuda triangle of seriously bad clubs and it's a haven for the dressed ned. Why do they all want to be Gareth Gates?

The Beggar Ned: Glasgow just wouldn't be Glasgow without the good old beggar ned. These neds make a (fairly healthy) living out of simply asking people for money in the street. If you give them the money they ask for they wont sing you a song, they wont do you a dance and they probably wont even thank you. Their request for 20p will usually be accompanied by a heart breaking story, but don't worry because the story isn't actually true. Perhaps if they toned it down a bit and made it more believable people would be fooled more often but then intelligence was never a virtue of the beggar ned. These neds will generally look similar to a common ned but only if you took the common ned and rolled him in some mud for a day or two then urinated on him.

The Wee Cheeky Ned: Firstly I should point out that all neds have big mouths, and many are cheeky, but the Cheeky Ned is an astonishingly impudent breed of ned, easily differentiated from the more common varieties. The purveyor of many a mischievous comment, this ned is full of disrespect for and defiance towards everyone and everything. Below average height, face permanently bearing an unsettlingly impish grin, and a voice as of yet unbroken, these tykes can be extremely irritating. And this irritation is amplified by the fact you can do absolutely nothing about it. Whenever you spot one, the chances are they will be surrounded by a scattering of Common Neds and a "Goon ned". It is this ned-curtain that gives them the courage to speak out at anything, and instils them with their legendary defiance. When surrounded by their kind, these neds fear nothing. They will mock any authority, whether it is a security guard, or a train-driver, and square up to people twice their size, separating them from their more common cousins who's cheekiness is largely incidental. So, if you ever trip up in the street in front of a squad of neds, and a mocking, shrill scream followed by elaborate impressions of you, replaces the more common 'ha ha, look at you ya nugget', you'll know that the troop was blessed with a cheeky ned.

The Mad Ned: This ned is quite rare, and will, more often than not, travel alone. Without even a trace of a conscience, the Mad Ned is very dangerous, and if spotted, must be avoided. Do not confuse this type of ned with the typical hard-man of a ned troop. The garden variety hard-man's tough guy image is merely an act of machismo, and will in most cases disappear along with his squad. The Mad Ned is a highly anti-social individual without a twinge of humanity who, when travelling with a squad, is the one described by his pals as having 'taken it too far', whether that be kicking a man to death, or introducing a cat to a firework. So, wherever a ned squad goes too far, a mad ned was travelling with them. Ordinary neds themselves fear them, and behave like sycophants around them.

More commonly, however, perhaps resulting from a slightly psychotic nature, they travel alone, with the aim to destroy people and property. Many have graced our televisions in programmes showing CCTV footage: the man seemingly without purpose, walking down the street at 2am damaging car after car; the unprovoked attack on a passer-by culminating in several stamps to the head; those curious individuals that push a blade into an innocent bystander for no other reason than they were there at the time. Unable to inhibit impulses in their brains like the rest of us, if this ned has a golf club, he will swing it whether he is playing golf or not, rather similar to the way a young child will attack anything and everything if given a plastic sword.

The Goon Ned: Any ned squad worth their kappas has a resident Goon ned, an oversized, vacant eyed galoot of sub-normal intelligence. Their purpose is appealingly simple: the physical protection of the squad. Where there are power vacancies within a squad, this ned will often take charge, a result of his physical prowess rather than his intellectual shrewdness. On the whole, however, the slightly smaller in stature hard man will take charge, and the Goon Ned will usually stick to what he's good at. Though these neds are easy to outwit, and it may be tempting to when face-to-chest with one, it isn't really worth a black eye, which is what you'll get, as physical aggression is the Goon Ned's answer to everything.

The Senga Ned: Like primitive tribes from stone-age times, each squad of neds will have their resident "senga neds". These female neds are quite distinctive in appearance. Senga neds wear pretty much the same clothes as the male neds when they are hanging around the streets or in bus stops, although this can dramatically change to pretty much no clothes if they are planning a trip to "the unders" or to the Moon night club. They are usually covered in bright gold jewelry and sporting gold name tags around their necks. People have been debating for years whether these name tags are to remind the senga of their name or to remind the male neds of the group what one he's "doin'" that night. Senga neds will also sport an abnormal number of gold chains round their necks along with an abnormal number of love bites. About half of all senga neds can be seen in the street usually pushing a pram with a number of children in it and a jacket hanging off of one handle of the pram and with a farm foods bag underneath it. No one knows what's in the farm foods bag. Spotting a senga ned in the street isn't very hard as they are usually heard before they are seen. It is common to hear a piercing shrill a couple of streets away indicating that a senga ned is mad at one of her males or an innocent girl who was passing by. Examples of the cries you may hear are "Av goat tae bring up 4 weans oan ma ain while your oot shaggin" or "whit the fuck were yay lookin at ma man fur ya 'nugly' cow". An aggressive senga is not a pretty sight so it's not advisable to approach one in the street at any time.

The Friendly Ned: This is a highly controversial ned to include but It has been spotted enough times to warrant an inclusion in this list. The friendly ned is a rare creature. It is unlikely that the friendly ned will exist in it's own right. It is more likely that a friendly ned is simply a common ned when he is in a squad of neds but transforms into a friendly ned when he is on his own. The friendly ned will usually be found on public transport and although it can seem slightly intimidating when they initially apporach you, it soon becomes obvious that this ned doesn't actually want to take your money or call you a dafty. He simply wants to participate in an irreverent conversation about football, drinking or fighting. These neds are not very dangerous but it may happen that occasionally when you have been engaged in a conversation with one of them that another common ned may approach causing a change in the friendly back to a common ned so they should be treated with caution. Friendly neds will usually always be male neds. It is extremely rare to find a friendly senga ned.

The Family Man Ned: This ned is predominantly found outside of the city centre. This ned will usually be seen making his way down the road pushing a pram, with at least two other small children trailing behind, on his way to the DSS. These children will almost certainly be fighting with each other or throwing stones at buses and so the family man ned will usually be shouting at them. "Michela, stoap flingin stanes at Charlene". This ned is slightly older than the other neds as he will have at least three children and can be considered as a good example of what happens to a young common ned who does not grow out of neddism. A ned can become trapped inside ned circles if he gets lumbered with a "wean", turning into a family man ned, usually at the ages of 13 to 15.

The Cruiser Ned: It is unusual to find this ned outside a car unless he is being questioned by the police and they are usually only seen from chest level up wearing a burberry base ball cap. These cruiser neds are dedicated to making their cars look as stupid as possible and they regularly congregate at public parks and waste ground to show off how stupid the cars look and how many unnecessary things they have added to their "motors" that week. These neds consume a lot of money to pursue their hobby and so will protect their cars with their life so it is not advisable to do anything to their cars other than point and laugh. Some people may get mixed up between a "cruiser ned" and a "common ned in a clapped out nova". The main difference between the two is that a cruiser ned will travel in circles for a whole night pumping crap music out of the window where as a common ned in a nova will drive fast for a night then set fire to the car.

The Working Ned: This is quite an unusual ned as they are not work shy in the slightest and will work full time hours like the rest of us. They do though, as you would imagine, bring their own touch of nedness to the working environment. The most common type of working ned is the one who gets on a bus in the morning (always the bus, even if a better transport option is available they will get on the bus) and head straight to the back to smoke a fag and discuss the weekend's football/fighting/drinking with his working ned friends. As this ned passes on the bus you will observe a glass bottle of Irn Bru and a Sun/Daily Record rolled up and in his back pocket and those big dirty brown boots with the woollen top on them that they all wear but aren't sold anywhere. Another type of working ned is the office ned. These working neds are not as obvious as the other kind as they are usually required to conform to the shirt and tie dress codes but you can spot one of these working neds by a sly pair of Burberry socks or a cap that comes off before the office is entered. These neds will also usually drive a car with unnecessary things attached to it and will bomb it into and out of the office car park in a show of neddism.

The Cinema Ned: This ned can be found in any cinema in the country. It can't be considered a ned on its own as it it only found in goups but its almost certain that if you go to see a really poor american blockbuster or generic teen movie there will be a group of cinema neds eating popcorn loudly and laughing amongst each other...all through the film. The common reaction among normal people is to tell these neds to be quiet but unless you are yourself a ned of equal or greater status of the lead ned of the cinema group this will not work. If you turn to these neds and say 'shut up', for example, you will most likey recieve a higher pitched 'you shut up' in return from the groups resident wee cheeky ned followed by the high pitched laughter of some impressed sengas and low pitched grunting of the resident goon. There is no way to stop these neds other than to hope that a 'cool motor' or half naked woman appears on the screen.

The Internet Ned Special Edition



why do homeless neds who walk the streets of Glasgow always do it with one of them about 4metres behind the other while still managing to maintain the conversation? and they are always in a hurry....why??? where are they going? - Jock, Glasgow