Visitor Contributions

From: Adrian Great Site, but there is a great area of ned life which is very under-observed by humans. So I decided I would share my experience with you. The most entertaining (and most dangerous) environment in which to observe ned activity and behaviour (particularly the mating ritual) is in the ned nite spot. As I say this is a very dangerous activity, but if you can get the chance to see recorded footage or, as I did, be privileged enough to get to observe them on neutral ground, it is very enlightening.

Some years ago a friend and I who were dating two young ladies got to accompany the girls to their so-called prom nite. Now I hasten to add, the girls we were seeing were human beings. Every-one else in their year, though, was a ned. Words cannot describe that night and the entertainment my friend and I enjoyed watching groups of neds dancing! I can't find the words to describe what the young men's legs and arms were doing. I can best put it across by saying, they moved like you would if your clothes had just caught fire. My friend and I laugh about it now but at the time we sat in a state of absolute incredulity. One of the funniest things was the ned face as he danced, there was no laughter, not even the trace of a smile. Each ned wore an expression of grim determination. It was as if he were carrying out a ritual of great significance, which had to be performed exactly and from memory (arm out, hands flapping, left leg 90 degrees from body and so on). I felt like Captain Cook watching aborigines perform an ancient dance unaware what it was. The nedettes sat around the dancefloor watching their men-folk with expressions of awe on their faces, well it looked like awe through the make-up. And why shouldn't they, after all, their men all weighed eight stone each, were dressed like millionaires in tuxedos and gold jewellery and were moving beautifully to the latest Ibiza sounds!

All in all, I advise this environment for anyone wishing to study the ned.Highly dangerous (don't let them catch you laughing) but very ritual. I knew what they were doing had a great significance, but I was totally rewarding. I advise moving around among them only at nights like this, proms, weddings and the like, where there is a dress code. You have less chance of being identified as an interloper. I promise it, it beats swimming with dolphins any day! This area certainly begs for more research, I had one unforgettable night which will be with me forever.

From: anon Confessions of a ned sha***er...

The greatest tragedy of all this is, y'know that old argument about nature versus Nurture? It seems that no amount of nurture can override nedture. My chosen partner this year for the obligatory Drunken Single Woman New Year Fumble was a dressed ned in Henri Lloyd and (shockingly ) Diesel (is it because they sell parkas or does the slim fitting highly priced clobber suit a frame ravaged by a diet of Buckfast, Red Stripe and the occasional "roll-van" pie?) This chain-smoking romeo used c**t as a pronoun in the same way that grannies use salt on their tatties. Given this strange prediliction, you may reckon I'm a Senga myself, but the frequency with which I am harangued on buses by girls in white trackies suggests otherwise ( plus I don't own trainers or have a conspicuous Tweety Pie tattoo.)

So you may ask, why? Why give up your most precious flower to a wee squatter in a poloneck? I have to say, I was curious. And battered out my nut on duty free gin, truth be told. But what would it be like? Is erudition and at least some degree of personal charm a necessity when getting jiggy? Apparently not - anyway, to all you middle class lassies reading this, I will cut to the chase. What is it like to sh*g a ned? It is a bit like being hassled by a group of them at the train station when you are dolled up for a night out. A bit vicious, moderately humorous, slightly scary, and over quickly if you know how to handle yourself. The foreplay was a cigarette, the post coitus the same, and the personal hygeine isn't as bad as you'd think. But for those who wish to engage in this extreme sport, I would insert this caveat - use at least double contraception lest you end up pram-faced in a ponytail outside Argyll Street Woolworths with a tiny John Napoleon in tow (yes, John Napoleon, I kid you not).

From: Paul Great site very enlightening read. Neds are called charvers in my home town of Newcastle and are exactly the same total little inbred low life's who just seem to exist to annoy decent normal people. I once had the following amusing charver experience. One friday night I was sitting in my mate Pip's house drinking a few cans while watching a movie when horror of horror our beer supplies started to run low. We decided that a trip to the off licence was in order. We got there bought some cans and left to find our way blocked by a gang of three lads and one lass all wearing the charver/ned uniform of bling, burberry, trackie bottoms, in short a typical gang of little car thiefs. We politely asked them to move and they did so with much muttering.

As we walked past the cheeky one of the group stuck his foot out tripping me up and sending me flying. The others though this was the height of comedy and started typical charver mouthing up "hoo man daftie ha ha.'' I got up and normally I would have just left it but I had had a stressful day at work etc etc and am a very angry man when annoyed. To add flames to my growing anger I recognised one of the lads from school where he used to beat me in on a regular basis. Luckily I have changed a lot since school where I was a skinny wee lad now I am 14 stone and am a keen amateur boxer and do muay thai kick boxing as well. Plus my mate Pip is hard as nails despite him being really easygoing and had quite a rep as a hardman due to his misspent youth.

The little tosser started mouthing off "come on, come on I'll kill you ya radge.'' thinking we wouldn't do anything as we were outnumbered 2 to 1 the look of surprise on his face when I stuck the nutt on him and then kneed him as hard as I could was a peach. Funnily enough his mates weren't too keen on having some and the only one who showed any spirit was the female chave who slapped me in the face a few times while I just laughed at her feeble efforts to hurt me. "my boyfriend will kill you,'' etc etc "well he's standing right next to you lets get it on,'' I replied and the ball less little dipstick who used to jump on me with three of his mates shat himself and wouldn't fight. She then rounded on Pip screaming"would you hit a girl well would you?'' and prepared to slap him when he just smiled at her and said "I'd hit a girl,'' her arse dropped out and the bunch of pondlife sloped away making empty threats.

As a funny afternote I was on a night out a few weeks after this incident happened and saw the female charv in question who started saying she was sorry and how drunk she had been. Then she tried to get off with me but I wasn't playing even though she was good looking in a dressed up older charv sort of way I just didn't fancy catching something.

Plus you can take the girl away from the charverhood but you can't take the charverhood out of the girl.

From: anon Last weekend I was at Hampden where the Scottish Claymores were playing the Cologne Centurions and as usual there were a smattering of neds with their free tickets through GCC. Now goodness knows why anyone thought neds would have anywhere near the attention span to follow a game that lasts for 3 hours, let alone one they couldn't possibly hope to understand - but I'll get back to that in a bit. A couple of them approached me and my friends outside the stadium and...yes, you guessed it, tried to basically tout their free tickets. Given that we were actually wearing Claymores replica jerseys you would have thought it was obvious we didn't come looking for scalped tickets to go watch an event in a less than half-full stadium. :-D

Inside the ground's scarcely any better. For reasons best known only to themselves (if even to themselves, that is), they just never seem happy with the seats they get (for free) and always decant to the reserved sections (not covered by the schools ticket). Which I could possibly understand if they were watching the game, but most of the time they'd sooner blast their whistles and hooters directly into each others ears and 'sword-fight' with their cane flagpoles, before most of them decide early in the 3rd quarter (after seeing some manufactured pop act mime their way through the half-time entertainment) that they're bored with the game and head for the exit - usually by climbing over the seats because using the aisle would be too, well, civilised I suppose.

It's sad really because I've heard of people who stopped going to watch the Claymores shortly after the free tickets started being given out because it totally took the enjoyment out of going. But I don't blame them.

From: anon Hi I wouldn't normally write anything like this but I love your site and since I hate Neds soooo much, yet surprisingly am not a goth (hmmm.... strange eh??) I thought I would tell you this little story about what the twats done to make me hatethem so much!!! Now don't get me wrong before this happened I wasn't exactly their best friendan slagged them about their MerryPeak (not sure how it's spelt) Jackets and Burrberry "high" hats just as much as the next person!! Anyway to my experience... I took my boyfriend up to Glasgow for the first time to visit friends one night we ran out of somthing, can't remember what, so off we went to the shop. On our way (there was Me, My Boyfriend and a female friend) we were just talking away and minding our own business when a large group of Neds appeared across the street. I think there was about 9 lads and 2 lassies. Anyway as soon as we seen them start to cross the road we knew there was gonna be trouble!! but we were reckoning on a bit of cheek... not what happened!! They walked over to my boyfriend and said "how ya doin pal..?" My boyfriend replyed "no bad mate, yersel..?" only to be pushed to the ground and me with him!! As I stood up all I seen was my mate get punched ny a guy at least twice her size then I looked round to see my boyfriend getting kicked by about 8 boys!! Next thing I know my mate punches this guy and he's on the ground and a lassies runs across the street yelling something that I couldnt understand and they all run for it!!! It's the most pointless "asault" I've ever seen in my life and people like that should be shoot for the saftey of themselves and others they definatley should not be aloud to re-produce!!I've only got one thing to say to them...Why the hell...!?!

From: anon I have two experiences were neds who were out to prove themselves have used me to look tough in front of their friends. Although i like to think that i can take care of myself (in a fair fight) i have been chased, beaten, threatened and stolen from by neds. The first incedent hapeened to me and 5 friends when we were in PRIMARY 4 playing football after school were then confronted by a large gang of SECONDARY pupils who surrounded us and began to yell "haw you ya jake's" etc. At this point we were young and naive and did not know the ways of the ned or how to handle them so we picked up our football and tried to walk away without provoking the group. The fact that they had chased us of our pitch was not good enough for them though they proceded to deck us punch in the face and kick us whilst we were on the ground. (I am pleased to inform you that they were later caught by the police and charged with assualt). Now having grown into a 5ft11 14 year old you plays rugby and is more than capable of beating a ned into submission i was again amazed by how brave neds can be. Walking home after a game of football i was greeted as i turned the corner by a gang of neds who have to be atleast 16-17 began to follow me on their bikes. I was almost home when i felt a sharp blow to the back of my head and had my phone, walet and football taken was punched and then they ran away!

From: Richard Growing up in Bellshill, you tend to learn how to handle Neds (and being a 6' 1", 390 lbs rugby player helps a bit). Anyway, me and a couple of team-mates were going out for a few drinks when we heard the squawks of sengas in the distance and though "Bollocks, we don't want this, not tonight". We rounded the corner and saw a squad of 15/16 year old Neds, 3 sengas and 6 male Neds (2 Goons, 1 Dressed, 3 Cheeky) and we knew they were looking for a fight. They spotted us and we were met by a hail of Buckie, 20/20 MD bottles and the occasional brick, then they though that they would 'have a go' (to them 9 Neds against 3, built, rugby players are good odds). They shouted "moan then, ya bunch o' poofs!" "We'll f*ckin' slash ye!" etc. One Goon began to slag my Mum.

Now I don't take shit from Neds, so I measured him up and gave him a heavy spear (A spear is a version of a rugby tackle but you tackle from their front, not their back) which dropped him right to the floor. By the time I got up, my two mates had began to fight the Dressed and Cheeky Needs, leaving the other Goon for me. He came at me with a combo of misjudged punches and kicks, none of them hitting their target. I replied with a swift jab to his stomach and an elbow to the back of his head. The fight was over quickly and we turned to face the sengas who beat a hasty retreat. I turned to face the beaten Neds limp off and shout "We'll git Doughnut tae pan yer windaes in!" "Jist wait till ma da's oot, he'll f*ckin' slash ye."

We still have the occasional run-in with Bellshill, trainee Glasgow, Neds. Not all result in violence.

From: Claire I had no idea there was somewhere online I could get all my ned related baggage aired but now I have found it, here are two, very different, dealing I have had with neds while in Glasgow. About a year ago I was living in Cecil Street, right across the road from Glasgow University. At the bottom of our garden was a small shed, most probably a former coal store, which was full of broken objects from the flats and bags of rubbish that never made it out onto the lane on collectionday. Normally the garden area was secure as there was a large gate protected by a large spider between the lane and the garden and the wall was over six foot high. However, one of the clever people in one of the flats below us left the gate open and open it stayed for a whole week. One night, my flatmate came into my room and said, very excitedly, "You have to come and see this". We crept into one of the back rooms and looked into the shed which was, unusually, very well lit. In fact it had been fitted with an electric bulb, curtains, some chairs and a couple of tables. Inside were about five or six neds and about as many bottles of Buckie. They had cleared out and cleaned our shed and turned it into their own little pub.

True to ned style, no Glasgow drinking den would be complete without a brawl. After maybe half an hour of mirth and merryment, it all turned a wee bit sinister when a ned called Johnny pulled knife on a ned called Angus. Another wee ned moved in to break up what could have been a nasty fight. Just then a neighbour chased them so we never got to see what happened to Johnny, Angus and their wee pals.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I had just returned from holiday and was in some distress having lost my purse. I had to walk from Glasgow Central station to Oswald Street Car PArk where my mother had agreed to meet me to take me home. As any person who knows their Glasgow geography will know, this is a bad ned spot (or good if you are ned spotting) due to the high concentration of fish and chips shops. As I stood waiting for my mother this, drunk, ned staggers up to me and says "'scuse me luv, huv ye goat twitty pee fur a cuppa tea?" I looked at him and said "I'm really sorry, I don't have any money cos I've jus lost my purse." Seeing that I was a little distressed he leaned forward and said "Ur ye awrigh' darlin'? Div ye want me tae lend ye sum money sos ye can get a taxi up tae the polis stayshun. They'll see ye awrigh'." I thanked him for his offer and said it wouldn't be necessary because it had been reported and now I was waiting for my lift home to which he said "Well love, I'll wait wi' ye, there's a loata dodgy fook aroon' here." How true and how nice a ned.

From: Chris I live in the East End of Glasgow and although admit to being very streetwise and generally quite large and intimidating perhaps if provoked, have started to despise these little cretins that are neds. My girlfriend always tells me to "just ignore them", or"i dont know why they annoy you so much", but the simple truth is after being a member of Her Majestys Armed Forces for a few years i feel as though i shouldnt be perstered by silly little people in silly clothes trying to act "wide".

Recently i was lying on the floor at home watching some football game on the tv when a large white object appeared to fly towards the window. I quickly rose to my feet without stopping opened the window and looked down into the street. Two clowns wearing baseball caps at the obligatory 45 degree angle were looking up at me. before i had a chance to consider my option i shouted to the bigger of the two, possible the GOON NED "what the fuck was that you wee prick?".

He replied "a bag o chips and am no a wee prick". To which i asked him"what the fuck are you throwing chips at my window for?" He denied it and apologised seeing my large chassis above him looked away, but before they scurried off he felt it neccessary to tell me "IM NO A WEE PRICK BY THE WAY!".

I think he had to say this to let his mate know and keep his "street-cred" in the local area. Imagine his mates found out that he had "shat it" when some 6 foot, tattoed, ex squaddie with a crew cut had pulled him up??

So, it does get worse in this city and to the point where one day it could be unbearable? I often get hot under the collar by these dafties, and remember when i was their age it was all different.

From: Emma Typical adventure of the 'Fernhill Young Team' or perhaps the 'Young Greenhills Scurvy'. Oh how very typical this tale is... notice how these neds are only really 'mental' shall we say, when they outnumber whoever it is their trying to pick a fight with at least 3 on 1? First encounter. My friend and I, out having a good time, were waiting for some people to meet us behind our local sports centre. We are approached by around 7 sengas, who enquire if we are '"pure lesbo c*nts". My friend and I reply with a cynical "No. We both have boyfriends. Are you?" and our reply is met by a "aw whit! Couple a' wide cheeky lesbo c*nts!" I enquired what part of 'no' they didn't grasp. My enquiry was met with a rather sloppy punch/slap combo to the left cheek. The only reason it hurt was due to the large quantities of 'sovvy rings' this particular senga had adorned. This attack was obviously a signal for the other 6 sengas to prove just how hard they were. These sengas, more stupid than i first expected were trying to pull my hair, but i had my handy hood up. My friend was floored, but as she fell she grabbed one of the senga's huge gold chains with the senga's huge gold name on it (Chantelle, for anyone whos interested). The snapping of the crap, cheap jewellery was met with a shrill shriek, "Haw! That f*cking daft slag f*cked ma gauld! F*cking rip her c*nt!" My friend and I, seeing the Bucky bottles protrude from the jackets, decided we had stood our ground long enough and fled.

My friend later informed me that next day, while she was walking through the park with her boyfriend, was approached by two of the sengas (notice there was only two) and the sengas informed her that their boyfriends, who go by the name of 'Vinny' and 'Ziggy' were going to 'Pan her windaes'. As you can probably guess, Vinny and Ziggy never seemed to get round to it. Second encounter. A large friend of mine (a pure poofy goff, apparently) was jumped by a group of typical glasgow neds. One night while he was waiting in line for the Cathouse, he was approached by a few of these same hard neds (i should mention that this friend of mine was out numbered by around 5 neds when he was jumped, but now the neds were out numbered by about 10 on 1) and the neds plainly said to him "nae danger big 'yin!" My friend, shocked by this, simply nodded. Then, this ned had the nerve to ask "tapsafagwillye?" My friend replied, "I don't smoke". The ned was either high, or just plain stupid (maybe he had had his fill of 'eccies' for that night) as he replied "Ye gettin' cheeky ya f*ckin poofy goff?" At this point, the ned was pushed on his arse and he was approached by 6 'poofy goffs'. The young mentalist, realising his mistake, leapt to his feet and mumbled "Ah'll remember aw ye c*nts faces... yer aw gettin' dood!". The ned the ran off and lived mentally ever after, till he got his arse kicked by a group of bigger neds from a rival skwad.

From: Anon I've just found your site, ya beauty, laughed ma tits oaf. As a Police Officer of many years I've had run-ins with hunners a' Neds.

First a couple of points, they exist in Glasgow and Edinburgh and are easily distinguishable in a couple of ways. Glasgow Neds (e.g.Posso yung teem)for some reason tuck their trackies into their socks. Edinburgh Neds (Niddrons from Niddry) wear no gold as they've pawned it for Heroin. Apart from the strong following for the Buckles to drink Lanarkshires favourite Monks Brew the Embra Ned has a choice and plumps for a mix of White Lightning and Mad Dog. This moves towards WKD or Smirnoff Ice as a leg opener on a Friday in downtown Leith.

In essence I agree with most of your contributors and their experiences are typical, however, we must understand a bit of the Ned. They have nothing to lose and this is why they will 'have a go' with anyone including 6'2" Moshers. Despite the balanced and nutritious mix of alcohol, prescribed and non-prescribed medication the Ned always manages to defend his honour. Your contributors have noticed that if they 'have a go' back the Ned usually runs off or throws bricks (half-Niddrys in Embra) from a distance. This is only advisable if you do have a much bigger knife than the Ned which is not always the case. Okay, that's the sensible part out of the way, now for silly;

One of the favourite parts of Street Policing is crossing swords with Neds as it's too easy. I take issue with one or two of your contributors, the Police on both sides of the country do quietly deal with them. FOR EXAMPLE - (Old Style) Beat Officers would often carry ten large ball-bearings in Police Issue gloves with one ball in each finger. On approaching Neds they'd gently swipe the glove towards them glancing head/temple. This to their mates looks like nothing but to the poor!! Ned he's just been scudded in the heid with a bag of marbles. This doesn't half make the Ned look stupid squealing in pain as the happy beat officer heads off whistling PC Murdoch style.

From: Alan @ nb4.com Living in Glasgow really does make you appreciate why this city produced so many great comedians; they didn't have to think up any material, it was all around them. Getting the bus into town on Saturday night was a perfect example of the kind of bizarre events that Billy Connelly or the guys from Chewin' the Fat turn into classic comedy monologues.

I was meeting some friends in Rust on Bath Street (quite nice coincidentally, quite impressed), so I was able to get a bus that dropped me off just across the road. When I got on the bus, having had a couple of drinks before I left my flat, and because the stairs are designed for people with size 3 feet, I managed to slip going up them to the top floor, and heard a "haw, mon, did ya pure see that guy trip. Haw haw haw, f*ckin' fanny mon". I went a slight shade of crimson, made my way up to the top floor and started playing one of those surprisingly addictive games on my phone.

Two minutes later, the girl that thought I was a "fanny" staggered up the stairs and sat on the seats next to me,
"Can ye tap us a fag?" she asked.
"Sorry, I don't smoke" I replied.
"Aye ye do."
"Umm, no I don't."
"Why else wud ye sit up the stairs? Awnyone that sits up the stairs smokes."
She had a point, but I didn't really want to admit to her that the only reason I sit upstairs at night is because you can get the front seats and I like the view. Yeah, I know it's sad, but I don't care.
"Look, I don't smoke" I said, "look, my fingers don't have brown stains, and my teeth are white. I don't smoke"
"Yer lyin', ya do smoke. I've bin smokin' fir four years an my teeth are white. F*ck you." She then staggers off back down the stairs and I hoped that would be the end of it. I was getting on quite well with 'Bounce' on my phone before she interrupted me.

A minute later she comes up the stairs again, followed by two of her pals, a guy and a girl. The two girls sit on the seats opposite me, and their wee male pal wanders to the back of the bus.
"Am gonna take a piss" he says.
"Aye, awright" one of the girls replies.
"He's what?!" I asked.
"He's gonna take a piss" she replied, as if I'd asked a silly question.
"On the bus?! You're kidding me right?"
"Whit? Ye've never takin' a piss on a bus?"
"No! I've never taken a piss on a bus. I don't piss on public transport"
"Oooh, I don't piss on public transport" she says in a mock posh voice, "ya poof."
"Yes, the ability to speak properly obviously means I'm homosexual." I replied.
"Shagged yer maw" she wittily replies, and gives me the finger.
"Eh? Are you trying to say you're a lesbian and like 50 year old women?" I asked, rather confused as to how this was meant to be an insult coming from a teenage girl.
"F*ck you" she retorts, putting me firmly in my place. The bus continued up into town, and I heard such pearls of wisdom as "they guys are wavin' at us, they're probably fae Pollock, they're aww paedos doon there" or apparently someone from "The Broomie" was going to get a kicking because she was a "pure slag". Other notable pieces of information included the fact that "we're goin' intae toon, f*ck, we'll get a kickin' if anyone fae toon gets on. They'll gie us a kickin' cause we're fae Neilston". Now how the people from the "toon" would realise they were from Neilston I wasn't sure, until they started writing some mad symbol that means "Neilston Young Team" on the windows.
"You got a pen?" one of the wee nutters asked me.
"I'm not giving you a pen to write on the bus"
"How no?"
"'Cause it's graffiti" I replied.
"Ooooh, it's graffiti" she mocks again, "I'll just use a coin" and then starts scraping her tribal logo onto the window. I just shook my head.

When the bus reached Central Station, the lead muppet started banging on the windows trying to get people to look up. Then, a ned that looked like he was straight out of Chewin' the Fat looked up, saw this girl banging, ran over the road, got on the bus, ran past the driver and ran up the stairs.
"Haw, whit wan oh use was bangin on the windae?" he asks in pure nedese.
"That wis me. Where ye frae?" "Govanhill" he replies
"Oh right en" she says, he sits down next to her and they start kissing. It's truly amazing watching the mating rituals of the neds, puts our own primitive, drunken chat-up lines to shame.
"Wait a minute" he says, prising the two of them apart, "whit age are ye?"
"15" she replies
"When ye 16?"
"June."
"That's awright en" he says, and locks lips with her once again.

By this point we were close to my stop, and I was finding this whole thing hilarious, it was like another world I'd completely bypassed when I was growing up, I mean, who the hell spends their Saturday night jumping on random buses and travelling about Glasgow? As we reached my stop, one of the wee dafties was all over the cradle snatcher that had got on a Central, the other girl was sitting watching them (bit weird really), and their other mate was sitting right at the back of the bus, in his own personal toilet, probably doing a sh*t for all I knew. I really should've gone downstairs much earlier, but it was like a free live stage show of Chewin' the Fat.

As I reached my stop I decided I might as well thank them for their entertainment.
"Well, this is my stop, I have to thank you all for this wonderful entertainment." I said, but just couldn't resist adding "Ya bunch o fannies!" at the end.
"whit the f*ck did he say? He call me a pure fanny?" I heard the ned say as I went down the stairs laughing to myself. As the bus pulled away, I could see them at the window pounding on it and giving me the finger, no doubt questioning my mother's virtue. You've got to love Glasgow, it was city of culture you know?

From: Alan @ nb4.com I was standing at a bus stop on Victoria Road the other day waiting for my bus, when this little girl wanders across the road towards the bus stop. She was maybe about 7 or 8, was dressed relatively normally, jeans, a jacket with a sort of fake fur collar and had quite long blonde hair. I didn't think she was a ned, although I did wonder why she was out on her own (what with the Daily Mail making parents think there's a paedo-asylum-seeking-terrorist lurking round every corner).

"Excuse me", she says in quite a confident and relatively well spoken voice,
"was that the number 12 that just passed?"
"Yeah" I replied.
"YA F*CKIN' COW!" she screams to some woman on the other side of the road,
"IT WAS THE F*CKIN' TWELVE, YA F*CKING BITCH, YA TOLD ME IT WISNAE!"

I must've looked a bit shocked at this Jekyl and Hyde performance since she turned to me and says "She told me it wisnae the 12, now I've missed it." She then sits down in the shelter and starts to munch away on a chocolate bar as though nothing had happened. I just put my earphones back on and hoped she would bite me or something. There are some worryingly strange people in this city...

From: Andrew I felt I should tell you about one of my many experiences with Neds as it is both informative and fun, and also helps people to realise how right your Survival game is when you survive by simply ignoring them.

Coming out of the unders night of my then favourite Saturday night hangout I was waiting on my friends to gather their jackets/coats from the cloakroom and join me and some people I know when a common ned, possibly a shorter version of the goon in this case, walked up with his mates and said "Whit ya doin' then?" and while I was in mid answer brought his fist round into the bottom left corner of my mouth with no warning, not having expected this my head turned with the blow and came down out of shock, and once I had spat out a small chunk of gum that my teeth bit out and some blood I looked back up, fully expecting a second punch, but for some reason the ned had gone, completely vanished.

Now, me being 6'2 at the time and strongly built, you would think that any ned stupid enough to attack me in the first place would have enough of a brain cell deficiency to hang around and get beaten aswell, apparently not though, perhaps he had expected to fell me with one hit or something, I honestly couldn't say. My only guess at why this happened is my choice of attire and hair length, take a wild guess about those. (For the slow minded, I like the way my hair looks long and I look better when I wear darker colours, I also love my coat madly).

Another instance is a version of one of your other visitors "gauntlet", but with me is less severe as the neds from my school are fairly weak and have little to no aim when they throw things, the best hit one of them ever got on me was a half brick to my left shoulder. Once again this highlights the brain cell deficiency as they don't seem to realise that leather was used for years as armour because it deflects thrown blunt objects like stones and coppers easily, and I'm wearing a leather coat, as such they don't affect me much. My last experience was mildly self inflicted and was once again as I walked home from school, some neds were walking just behind/next to me and kept pushing me or pushing each other into me, I finally snapped and span round, grabbed the nearest by his collar and pushed him back over the road and held him there, fist raised, at which point I was overcome by my morals and he looked so helpless and scared that I pulled him forward to his feet, let go and walked away, at which point my show of compassion was returned by the sound of running feet behind me and a sudden pain to the side of my face, and briefly the weight of the ned on my back, he had ran up behind me, jumped onto my back, reached round me and punched me in the side of the face then slid off, seeing that I was still walking quite normally he ran at me, jumped again and kicked my schoolbag, obviously an attempt at kicking my back that was hampered by all those books and things carried by those of us who actually wish to learn something at school. Oh well, I know better for next time, no mercy.

From: Michael I'm a student in Surrey but come from Elgin and through family ties have had the misfortune of knowing what a 'ned' is. When I was 10 I was lamped by a ned, apparently I 'looked at him funny' maybe the fact that I wasnt squinting and that he could see my pupils scared him, we will never know.

On a more amusing note I always found trips to Glasgow to be like a safari park. I'd make it my mission for the day to spot as many neds matching all the criteria as I could. In particular I liked the the gold name chains worn proudly around the neck. Although providing humour, I believe they may be handed out to re offenders by the police to save them time trying to understand what the ned is saying when they're caught with another stolen TV.

I miss the neds, we have kevs here, but they're not as funny and you dont see them very often. On one trip to Glasgow I was walking up Bucchanan street with one of those suitcases with the wheels, I knew this was not a good thing, but carried on. I was hunted by a Kappa endorsement agent who approached me. How he seen me was a mystery, 3/4 of his vision must've been taken up by his eyelids. He mumbled about him and his mate needing money for the train back to Edinborough although I doubt he'd even been there! I adopted the honest approach and told him i only had a �20 note, he explained that he had �18 and we could do a swap. Strange I thought! So I asked him how much the train was since �18 must be more than enough, he realised his mistake and told me to fuck off then slummed down the street. Class!

Very good site by the way. I've tried to explain glasgow to my english mates before, but you've done a much better job, keep up the good work!

From: Mic I've found something more and more common among this 'community'. Allot of them seem to have air rifles and take the greatest pleasure in shooting innocent animals for no other reason than killing them. There favourites appear to be family pets most often cats. I know this as my cat was recently shot. Also i own an air rifle and I am a responsible owner and help control pests on a friends property. There is a shop near me that sells rifles, pistols, crossbows and anything else to do with weapons. I walked in (you have to be buzzed in) and start walking around the rifles. After 5 minutes in walks a typical ned and his equally nedish farther who was wearing more jewelery than Mr. T. The young ned lad starts looking round the pistols asking his dad what he'll need to shoot birds. His dad laughs and calls the bloke from the shop over for some advice. The guy who runs the shop is a nice guy and as soon as he realises what the pistol is to be used for he politly asks the ned and his farther to leave. As you can imagine this doesn't go down to well and the farther starts hurling abuse. Now the guy who runs the shop is a very big man, he leans over to the guy and says something that i didn't quite catch. Shortly after the neds leave and there was a distinct smell in the air, no comment.

From: Heather While On a night out with a few of my work friends we decided to take a trip to a pub called Foot Of the Walk. At first I was a against the idea but was talked into it. When we arrived there was a group of teenage boys and girls outside with glass bottles and all sorts. As we begain to walk past them we heard some saying things such as "Im Pure melted man" "Pure Baltic eh wee man" or " weres the bird need a ride" Then as we made it to the end of the group one young lookin boy called out " you's ya fukin dirty slag who they fuk you lookin at" A bit shackin we kept walkin then one girl decided to be real lady like and spit on me. As a passer by saw this we begain shoutin at the group and asking them to stop it. What happened next was shockin half of them jumped on this helpless man and started shoutin things such as "young leith team" "that will teach you ya faggit" Last time i take a trip to that part of edinburgh again.

From: Mark It's 3am on a Saturday night in Edinburgh's Grassmarket and myself, two mates and one girlfriend are ambling our way peacefully home after a thoroughly enjoyable night on the razz. Our mood is buoyant, the vibes are good and we're bothering nobody. So it comes as quite a surprise when 3 empty bottles of "Bucky" come hurtling through the air and shatter harmlessly a couple of feet behind us.

Needless to say, we're initially a little shaken and turn around to face our would be attackers. Needless to say it's a group of 3 Neds fae Glasgae out on what I can only assume was a scouting trip to Edinburay for some older dressed Neds. Being Neds they are still quite some safe distance away from us and are gesticulating wildly while shouting some well used Nedisms like "c'moan ya bunch ay radges", "ye want some ya bunch ay cunts?" and my personal favourite, "You're no singing anymoar!". Irrelevant and wrong...we'd never been singing in the first place. My friend turns round and says, "well I'm not taking shit like that from a bunch of fucking Neds." And so (leaving the lady behind) the 3 of us start walking calmly back towards them, prepared for a bit of a pointless violence. By the time we were almost within paggering distance it's become apparent that all 3 Neds are well pished and shiting themselves while simultaneously trying to maintain an air of "hardasfuckness".....we decide to give them one last chance.

"What's your problem boys? We've got no beef with you and you go chucking bottles at us. We're not looking for a fight here but if that what you boys want, then here we are....."

The look of relief on their wee faces was a picture.

"Aw gadgies, we're naw lookin' fay a pagger either eh no? We're over fae Glasgay....that wiz jus a bit of fun eh no? Didnay mean it n'that. Youz look like yiz are sound as a pound eh no? Yiz goat any drugs mon?"

And so it was that we were now their bestest mates in the whole wide world, eh no?

A simple example of young Neds, just trying to learn their craft.

From: Allan I live in Edinburgh, Wester Hailes (a breeding zone of parasites of biblical proportions) and encounter them frequently. The social seems to be their fave haunt and as; spotted by yourself, it is always the same Neds and sengas (Agnes backwards!) that are waiting �Fur their broo cheque� just so they can �Go to the Hailes hotel fur a wee swallie�, then up to their �dealers hoose tae get some meth maaaaahhhn� Thing is, I grew up in this area and seem to be quite alright with no ned type afflictions to speak of�.I even bring my 13 year old son up on my own and have a job so it seems it�s not always the area you are brought up in that seems to dictate who you are. My how I laugh though,I was toiling at one point, it was the summer hols for college and schools, so my son and I were both off. I had to sign on over the summer holidays so there I was in the �soshul� waiting to hear about my claim. Up comes Burberry man, filling in a crisis loan application form. You could tell by the way his eyes were glazed over that he was toiling with something. He has a quick look around to see if someone can help him and oh shit, he�s spied me. After trying to understand what the hell he was talking about and failing, he thrusts his claim form in my hand and points to the barely legible writing (I think it was writing anyway) and asks me to spell the following words for him� �Linen� (this was his excuse for needing money, to buy bed sheets) �Home� (I mean for gods sake) �Usually� (Mind you, that�s a hard one) My point in all this is this�They cant spell, count, write, dress properly or talk in English, but just ask them to calculate how much their giro is, or how many grammes there are in an eighth of �Bob Hope� and their little furtive (rat like) brains will give you the answer immediately, backwards if you like! Never fails to amaze me.

From: Jamie I'd just like to relate a recent experience I had with a group of Newton Mearns Ned's over the New years period. Though I lived in Glasgow a couple of years ago for around 6 months, I was travelling with a good friend from Australia who unfortunately hadn't done his research on your site before arriving and on a walk to the nearest train station we encountered a gang of track suit wearing Newton Ned's obviously very bored and ready for a fight. As we get closer to the gang one of them yells "ye gae any ciggs?". My uninitiated friend, in his best newly acquired "scottish accent" replies "Nay Chance". As the hairs on the back of my neck begin to raise I try to defuse the situation as best I can, and seeing as though it's my birthday I don't particularly want to spend it in the intensive care unit of Glasgow hospital I try the line "He's just mucking around, we're both from Australia, we didn't mean anything by it." A voice that I can only assume originated from a cheeky ned (i couldnt see him as he was hiding behind the dense foliage of common neds) yells back "Well why don't ye git tae fook back tae australia and fook some kangaroo's then". Resigning myself to a severe kicking, and with birthday bevvy's still being processed by my body I reply "Look just fuck off or we'll kick off now, I can't be arsed with this shit." After a moment of silence that felt like an hour the leader Ned retorts "fook this man, let's gae oota here". I check that I haven't pissed my pants and we're off again, with no stab wounds or black eyes and i'm thinking things are ok. After we had walked approximately 30 metres, a shower of fist sized rocks hail over our heads missing us by inches and damaging most of the cars nearby. I think the Newton Neds were either afraid that if they came home with bruises, their mommy and daddy would cut off their pocket money or they didn't want there 'pure wicked' tracksuits messed up before they met the Senga Neds.