Visitor Contributions

From: Dan

I've visited your site and I have been inspired to include my own peice of Ned related experience, of which I'd like to share with the world through the Visitor Contributions....

In November last year I was working for a Furniture company out of Glasgow as a delivery driver, delivering sofas and such items. I arrived on my first day and I was aware that the other new starts would probably be of the Ned variety, especially the porters (the other guy in the cab who helps with lumping stuff off the wagon and into the customer's house.) I should point out that I was the only Englishman in the room - not a problem for me. And then this creature comes in in the ned attire, his first words "Which iv yooz c**ts is drivaz and which is portaz?" Nice. First day was a training day, basically to show us how to shift these things without damaging ourselves. The noises that came out of this ned were comical, he had a few cronies with him by this point - they'd swaggered in late and thinking it was dead cool. I'm usually the most placid person there is, will not judge anyone on appearance, opinions, etc and very little gets up my nose but this one idiot was really getting on my tits. He'd been in the room 15 minutes. My name by this point, according to him, was "English prick". I thought just get on with it, don't rise because it's highly unlikely you'll have to put up with him.

The driver / porter rota had been made up, and my name was read out first, followed by the name of the Ned. I could have hit the gaffer for it. So in the wagon we jump, destination Dundee. I could not understand a word it said and I have lived up in Glasgow for over seven years. I got all sorts of abuse when he lit up a spliff and I then took it out of his mouth and threw it out the cab, got all the names under the sun thrown at me, and the threat of his "pals rippin ma heed aff" and such nonsense. He eventually cooled down, and put a CD in the player on the wagon. What a mistake!! Bonkers Happy Hardcore, what a load of shite!! Didn't know what was worse, the music or his yapping. After a few hours of insults later, and me not rising to the challenge, I pull over into a service station / petrol station off the motorway outside Stirling suggest that if he wants anything now is his chance to go get it. He's inside the shop and I get in the cab, lock the doors and fire up the engine. Just as he gets within 3 feet of the wagon I drive off giving the gestures he gave me. You should have seen his face, an absolute classic!! I looked in the mirrors and his cursing, jumping around in a frenzy was the funniest thing I have ever seen!!

When I got back to the depot the gaffer asked where the lad was, I replied he got annoyed at something and disappeared. Always wondered if he got back that night or not.

From: Geoff

I've seen them [neds] in the street and we even have one (yes one) in the village I live in but I've never really had any interaction with them.

So a couple of weeks ago, myself and my 18 year old daughter were queuing up outside Waterstones in Perth , at 10:30 waiting to buy the new Harry Potter. Two late-teen neds come up and ask us why everyone is queuing. I explained about the book going on sale at midnight. After a whispered conversation the neds decided to join the queue. They had worked out that they had �40 between then and could buy 5 copies. Their plan was to head to the nightclubs and sell the books for an instant profit. The books must be rare or everyone else wouldn't have been queuing up for them.

Snippets of their conversations over the next 90 minutes included -

"See wance I get a guid joab, I'm gonna get me some serious bling bling, wan o they gold necklaces, cost a hunner bar but."

And...

"I'm hopin somewans gonna get me a guid watch for my 18 maan. A seriously heavy wan, costs 5 hunner tho' and me mam says I kin get ti fu' for it."

I have to say they were good company for 90 minutes but their business sense was crap. Books were �8 from Waterstones, �5 in supermarkets. Nightclubbers tend not to buy Harry Potter and certainly not in nightclubs. Any possible profit would have been lost due to the quantity of fags and beers consumed - seemed to be alternately chainsmoking.

From: Alytt

This is one of my favourite ned encounters. I am an ex Glasgow resident moved away when I was a wee child, but I still go down and see my friends from time to time. Anyway on my last trip down we were getting the last train home from central station back up home, me and 5 others sitting on the train quite the thing. Then 5 night club rejects get on, pished as farts, and start speaking loudly about "I woulda kicked the cunts baws in but he was pure bigger than me". Then the leader asks us "here any of yooz got any fagz?". Not being smokers we reply no, sorry. "Ah fuck yeez then bunch o' cuntz ill pure do yeez. But his friends make him sit down and "stop being a dafty".

So as the train got under way the main one , I say main he as was the one that was most drunk, declares to everyone "here my back teeth are floating some stop eh car i need a pish". He then looks at me and spies that i was wearing a hat "here mate can I pish in yer hat" he laughs, obviously taking this to be some form of extreme comedy. He then picks up a beetroot jar and decides to place it on one seat and then from the opposite facing seat he sits down, and with perfect aim I might add, pissed into this beetroot jar. He then set forward examining his piss before pouring it out window giggling like a wee 5 year old.

Having already gotten pissed off at us because we had no cigarettes he decides that had somehow pissed him off, I was about 6`1 and quite big (this was last year so was only 15) and much bigger than him. He starts lunging forward but being too drunk to really bother or anything just slinging random insults which i ignored, was too tired to be battling with men who saw benefits claiming as an acceptable pastime. Then his equally drunk but quiet mate brings out his passport. At this stage i was a bit "what�s going on, want to move down the train?", but we stayed. Then suddenly out from his mates pocket comes a bag of coke which they both take maybe 3 lines each off this passport. At this point i said "bollocks to this" and went to the next carriage with my friends.

Then this really, really drunk one , the leader, tries to follow us. He is so fucked out his face he couldn't open the door. So he stood , like something out of a shining audition tape, "I'm gonna pure batter yeez". So we thought avoiding the inevitable fight against coke heads (not pleasant people to fight) we'll get off a stop early and get a lift off my friends girl-friend's mum. As we are standing on the icy platform the leader pokes his head out of the door and starts shouting. I didn't understand what he said this time as he was too fucked. He then gives us the finger just as the train drives away. Getting his arm stuck in the door, presumably till the next and final stop.

As we finally arrived at the stop we should have got off the train at, we pass the same neds, wasted in the street. The guy that got his arm stuck in the door was sitting down rubbing his arm. The other peeing against a lamp post. What an evening that was.

From: Andrew
Three of my friends were standing at the train station after school waiting to get the train home and there was a large gang of neds in the shelter (this included both neds and sengas). After a short period of time, one of the ned's came up to my friend and asked:

"What the f*ck do you think you're looking at?"

He replied he wasn't looking at him and then the senga got involved shouting things like

"You wis f*cking staring at us - he'll do ye in ya bawbag"

At this point one of the ned's hooked my friend in the head and then the whole gang got up to be involved. My mate's said they weren't looking for trouble and they just wanted to get the train. One of the neds then shouted, bring it on ya dicks - we're frae the f*ckin' mad squaad!!!! At this moment - a man that had been sitting on the bench not too far away, minding his own business, stood up - took his blazer/jacket off, rolled up his sleeves, walked straight between the neds and my friends and said : "The mad squad? I'm from the f*ckin Royal Marines, lets get it on!" Neeedless to say this so called mad squad shat a brick and all the neds (sengas included) ran at the speed of light in the opposite direction, never to be seen at that station again!!!

From: Alex
My experience of the NED culture happened around 14 months ago, I was on my way to a football match in the East end of Glasgow (supporting my local team). I probably should explain I'm female aged 23. During the game I went to the toilet. When washing my hands afterwards, an appropriately dressed "Senga" (White tracky, cheap trainers, white sports socks (2 for a �) tucked into tracky bottoms and a famous fake baseball cap) passed comment ~ "Effin Posh tart" her fellow sengas laughed and attempted to hit me with used paper towels. I ignored them and proceeded back to my seat.

Later in the game and feeling sorry for my team (score 2-3) to the other side of Glasgow, I went for a pie and some tea. The same bunch of "Sengas" were present and were trying to ignite someone's discarded cigarette. "Ho nae tits" (I do have breasts, but prefer to contain them in my bra), "gonny geez a fag". I ignored their pleas and continued to make my order. The next I knew they were surrounding me and mocking my attire (warm coat and boots). I began to get frightened as they followed me up the stairs. One of the sengas - I assumed to be the ring leader (She had the most 8.5ct gold on "Kwality") punched me in the back and tried to pull my scarf off. I ran to the steward and complained. I assumed stewards were there to protect the patrons. But he just laughed and told me to Effin sit doon.

Now with simmering rage, I decided to return and tackle the aforementioned female gold deposit and went back to the foot of the stairs - I saw they were sharing a puff at a roll up. So I grabbed the gold laden Senga and started to punch as hard as I could at her scarred face, she was screaming "Get the F*ck aff me, the others (to my surprise) just watched and were shouting "Pure effin doo hur Ann-Marie Bernadette"

The steward came running down and stopped my frenzied attack; this stupid man had the nerve to throw me out. Alas I was happy to leave to the sound of the senga crying and her so called mates lamenting "Ah pure swear man - She musta been a effin HUN"

I have written to the football club complaining about my treatment but they have never replied ~ So I have never returned!

From: Jane
Coming home from work one Friday night in February last year, I was walking home with my shopping when I realised there were 4 'sengas' showing me a bit more interest than your average person would appreciate. I was aware of 2 walking in front of me and 2 lagging behind (not a good sign). Suddenly, one of the ones behind launched a kick at my leg in a deliberate bid to trip me up and tried to grab my bag. By some miracle I never lost my balance, I turned and faced her and in a pre-menstrual fit of rage grabbed her by the hair and knocked the 7 bells of hell out her. I had pulled her hair so hard that it was coming out in tufts and I had rope burns on my hands Her desperate pleas of 'Ah'm sorry' enraged me even further and I went beserk. The other 3 backed off. . I let her go because by this time as I didn't know what the other 3 were up to.

At this point some bloke came over and asked if I was alright which I was (not even shaking). He walked me a few streets to a well lit area and then I continued home.

My husband was furious when I told him what happened and demanded that I get in the car so we could track them down and tell the police. We didn't have to go far when we saw them nipping into the *** **** restaurant on Battlefield Road. My husband went inside and came out laughing 5 minutes later. The sengas were relating their side of the story to a waitress which went along the lines of 'Aye, it wiz pure terrible. This wummin jist sterted pure attacking us fur nae reason an' she wiz aboot 40!"

"40!" Cheeky wee shites! I was only 35 at the time.

We never pursued the matter any further because I'd probably get fined for assaulting a minor. However, the entire experience was highly theraputic and I would definitely recommend that all pre-menstrual women go out in their kitten heels and kick ned ass. Make Glasgow a better place!

From: Alan
For a few years I was a security officer in a large retail store which must remain nameless and is directly opposite Buchanan Bus Station (nudge nudge, wink wink)

Due to the neds mistaking the store for a refuelling station on their way from their high flat nests in Toonheed down to Virgin and HMV, security had to man the doors at all times.

One day a perfect specimen of a �sparkle heed�* came into the store, looking around in that unmistakeable furtive manner. On eventually spotting me in my bright green security uniform, standing 10 yards in front of him:

1. He jumped like a scalded cat, as if seeing a security guy in the store was the very last thing he expected to see

2. Having regained his composure (well as much composure as you can regain dressed in a Kappa suit) he approached and the talking bit started

�Oii mate. Says yuv goat a shirt anat oot ra store but yuv no goat a receipt right? Any hashle getting yur money fur it, anat, ya no�

I was about to say no problem sir as long as the shirt is in the same condition.......blah,blah. But thought better of it.

�Are you telling me that you have a shirt out of our store, and you want to return it for a refund, and you don�t have a receipt??�

�Eeeehhh!.no yet�

�Right!.......... Out!........... and don�t come back, bird brain�

And as I �escort� him through the revolving doors and the inevitable parting shot

�Aw right wee man. Shtay cool. Nae hashle man. For f#&k sake ya dobber�

�ahm reporting you ya c@#t, an ahm no comin back here ahl tell yae. Away an f*@k the lot of yae�

*sparkle heed : A distinctive type of ned,so called because of a particularly bright �sparkly� look to the eyes. This is always caused by a regular concoction of seriously illegal drugs washed down with bucky. After a few weeks of continued abuse the ned works out the combination that keeps him awake and �no pukin�. The sparkly eyes are one of the signs.

From: Aimee
My first Ned Encounter was during my 2nd week in Glasgow when my temping assignment required me to catch the bus out to Drumchapel (an experience within itself!) I got on the No. 20 bus at it was 8.10am in the morning. It was a double decker and I went up to the top level, another guy about 20 hopped on along Hope Street, and proceeded to start smoking on the top level, and then open a can of Tennants (his morning 8.00am ritual obviously) What ever happened to a nice cup of tea?

Another time, we were at my friends Aunties house out in Arden, and it was about 11am on a Sunday Morning. There is a big oval outside and we heard yelling and screaming, and next thing you know theres about 12 kids laying into one boy who looked about 14, and not just hitting, I'm talking KICKING with all their force. Seriously, this freaked us out, and we have NEVER seen anything like it, and dont care to again. The thing is, everyone stood out on their balconies watching like it was a circus act, quite frightening how people become desensitised.

From: Martin
This occured aout 4 years ago on the way home from Christmas shopping. My usual fare of leaving it till the last minute for buying presents and this particular year it was christmas eve. I had finished my shopping trip and was quite pleased with what I had got and was looking forward to gettin home for a good cup of coffee. I had completed my shopping trip around HMV in Argylle Street so I figured it would be easier to get the train from Argylle Street station rather than walking all the way up to Central. At the time I lived in Bellshill (a severe haven of Ned culture, quite disturbing) so I would have had to get the Low Level in Central which I preffered to avoid. So I walk into the staion in quite a good mood and calmly step on the stairs down to the platfroms. Unknown to myself, 3 neds had decided to follow me down. As the Stairs reached about the halfway point I heard a voice from behind me "you got the time mate?". At this point i stopped and 2 of the neds passed me on the stairs as I turned round to tell the ugly ned the time. I felt metal on my neck... "gies yer money bawbag" one of the neds behind me had decided this would be a good point to attempt to rob someone. I'll admit, looking at me I would seem a likely target. Carrying shopping bags full of various presents, not to big and relatively skinny. What they didnt know was that I had trained for two years prior to moving to the Glasgow area in martial arts. I had been at several classes partaining to how to disarm attackers with weapons. Luckily for me the Fight or Flight instinct hit and the training techniques came flooding instantly to memory. I dropped a bag, grabbed a wrist, twisted heard a crack and then I was the one with the weapon in hand. The neds fled in terror (and one in severe pain). Various insults were thrown back in the midst of theyre unorganised dash to safety and they were now one screwdriver (of all things, they didnt even have the balls to carry a knife) short of another assualt. The event had made my day. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt in my mind that Neds are nothing but the "fearty bastards" that they claim that only others are. Threaten a ned or prove in some way that your better than them.. they will run and hide like the rats they are.

From: Paul
I was coming back from another boaring day from school when suddenly a group of five neds and a senga approached me at the bus stop I go to. One of the neds approached me and said somethign I couldnt understand the only words that made sense was "gies", "money" which I guessed they were saying give me your money so I went into my pocket pulling out 12p thinking will I run or give them the money and get punched so I ran as fast as I could three neds and the senga chased me am not really sure wat ones I was mostly scared of probably the senga but I ran and ran then I saw a guy that worked at a car park and I asked him for help me and he helped me and I got to buy 12 penny sweets with my money in the end.

From: anon
Whilst walking down that strange part of town that leads to Queen St station (where Henry Healy's is) I had one of these occasions where I second guessed the path of an oncoming ned and we both did a little dance until we got by each other. A few seconds later I heard someone shouting

"watch where yer gawn ya baldy bastart"

Sitting on the subway I realised he meant me and it was the first time I had to accept that maybe I was going bald.