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Well it's that time of year again when we can't so much as walk down the street without the fear of being fire bombed by the local neds. The top deck of buses around Glasgow have become mini firework displays, rockets are being fired down the corridors of state schools around the country and bangers are being pushed through letter boxes to amuse a little ned as he legs it away, chirping loudly as the house burns to the ground. So I thought it would be fitting that a special section all about fireworks, as a weapon, be written.
Fireworks are a special weapon which the neds will only have access to once per year and so they like to make the most of these while they can. Many a school ned will shove a rocket or two into their school bag along with a couple of packets of bangers to either launch at elderly passers by on the way to school or to fire at the weakest of the poor teachers who are employed to control them. School toilets are a particular target as they allow the neds to maximise the mess they can make and it 'pure sounds cool'. Older neds who no longer attend school (aged 15 and above) will gather in their regular squads to discuss exactly what to do with their fireworks for that day. A variety of uses are found and surprisingly not all of them are designed to intimidate or harm innocent passers by or animals. Some neds will take a banger, light it, and place it into an empty buckfast/MD bottle. The banger explodes, sometimes smashing the bottle and sending a shower of glass through the air, and is greeted by crys from the neds such as "that wiz pure mental man" or "pure minted man". Other neds will simply set some rockets off into the air, as is intended but this will usually be at 1-4 in the morning when ordinary people are trying to sleep. Those really loud ones are very annoying at this time of the morning. Where do they get the really loud ones from?
On the whole, the fireworks are used to inflict injury on other people and their pets. Many a ned can be observed lighting a rocket then holding it in their hand (despite years and years of firework safety videos) until it flies off, just so they can get a better aim at the intended target and look a little bit mental. They also posses a pin point accurate throw when it comes to getting a lit banger into the desired area for maximum damage. The lack of common sense possessed by most neds will see them setting off rockets in packed buses 'for a laugh' even though they are on the bus themselves. This only serves to endanger themselves and other members of the public but it does add to their mental status within their own squad.
Another favorite past time these 'victims of society' are guilty of is pushing a lit banger through the letter box of some innocent person (probably a neighbour which leads back to the common sense thing), perhaps an elderly person, and potentially burning down this person's house or at least doing some significant damage. And it's all 'for a laugh'. A house going on fire would be considered as a bit of a result for these neds as it would provide them with an excellent opportunity to aim rockets at the fire fighters who arrive to fix their damage.
On Guy Fawkes night itself the whole city will be a little like Baghdad at the height of ally bombing. Fires are set all over the city and a lot of the time this is only to get the fire brigade out so they can have rockets aimed at their heads like they had been experiencing since mid October. Though admittedly the fire fighters themselves may prefer this experience to the bricks they are used to at any other time of year. This night is almost like the neds main night of turmoil in the year as every ned with some sort of excusing deficit disorder can set light to people's property and feel like they are allowed to do it. Ask any of them why fires are set every year on November 5th and why fireworks are sold at this time of year and they will probably reply "because it's a pure heavy buzz man".
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